Belated "It's over" post

I realize I sort of fell off the grid so to speak for a while.  Rather than see that as a negative, it is a positive thing in my life.

So much has happened since I started this blog at the beginning of my Lenten journey.  Heck, so much has happened since I last posted a blog.

As the days went by, I found myself less and less dependent on the Internet.  It wasn't something I was accustomed to much, since giving up facebook, as facebook was the main reason I was online to begin with.  More pressing things were at the forefront of my mind, including my family, my mental and emotional health, and my spiritual life.  After my weekend away, it really has felt like everything has sort of started clicking into place for me.  It is almost as if my ideals and my life are starting to finally align correctly.  I am happier, am enjoying life way more, and am not finding that I need constant distractions to deal with being me.

On the Saturday before Easter, my husband and I received our First Holy Communion, and our Confirmation into the Catholic Church.  This is like the pinnacle of the last year and a half of our lives.  It was, and is, utterly amazing.  I won't get overly religious in this posting, but receiving the Holy Eucharist for the first time (and other times since that day) has been a gift that I cherish and never realized fully how much I longed for it, and how life-changing it is.  What is best about it to me: it wasn't just a life-changing experience that has come and gone, it is a life-changing experience each and every time I receive it from now until the end of time.

Another amazing sort of last minute unplanned thing that happened that day:  my youngest daughter was baptized.  At rehearsal the morning of our special day, I asked our RCIA teacher (a deacon candidate in our church who will be a full deacon by the end of this month) when we could have Evy baptized, how soon after our First Communion and Confirmation.  We had asked our priest at the beginning of this journey, but he wanted to wait until we were in full communion with the Church to do it, which I respected.  Our teacher told us he would be baptizing his newest granddaughter soon and we could have Evy baptized the same day.  As we were getting our crew and our sponsors' crew into our respective vehicles, he came running out of the church and asked if we'd like her baptized that night along with the other RCIA candidates that would be receiving the sacrament of baptism.  Our answer, of course, was yes.  It worked out wonderfully as our sponsors are also her godparents.

Her godmother and I took her out shopping that afternoon for a special dress, even though Father said she didn't need to wear anything special, just a nice dress.  Godmother said it was her right and she wanted Evy to feel like a princess.  We found the perfect dress and she came sashaying out of the dressing room and we knew it was the one.  (I can't help hoping that she doesn't grow too much between now and her First Communion so she can perhaps wear it again.)

It was a very long service, Easter Vigil, but all the children held up so amazingly well.  I have to enter a little back story, when we first told the girls we would be going to the Catholic Church and started our conversion process, my oldest daughter was very upset and cried.  During Evelynn's baptism, I look out to where the girls were standing, and there my daughter stood, crying tears of joy and happiness for her sister.  Again, amazing.  Such a blessed day, right up there with getting married and birthing my daughters.

The Monday after Easter, I went on an unplanned road trip with my sponsor.  She is also my friend, one of the very very best, but for this blogs sake, and privacy, she is my sponsor.  We went on a pilgrimage.  We drove up to the Northern Virginia area, about a 10 hour drive from my house in GA.  We went up there as a main reason because her father was ill and in the hospital.  It was not a vacation by any means.

We also went to The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.  http://www.nationalshrine.com/site/c.osJRKVPBJnH/b.4719297/k.BF65/Home.htm

I was in awe as soon as I walked in the door.  Even if you are not Catholic, if you are ever up in D.C. you should go.  It is truly amazing.  You walk in there and it is just....wow.  I really have no words.  I saw a woman kneeling at a statue wailing and crying and praying.  I have no idea what language she spoke.  I saw a man kneeling before another statue, with his forehead pressed to the brass plaque, fervently praying in another unknown to me language.  Seeing people kneeling and praying and living their faith is just so incredibly uplifting.  (We actually went back on another taking a non-Catholic friend who agreed that anyone of any religious background - or not - would benefit from going.

I also was able to see my father's grave for the second time.  It was another emotional time.  I told my friend as we drove up that I didn't think I'd cry this time.  I was so incredibly wrong.  On another day, I was able to visit my oldest brother's grave for the very first time.  Another emotional visit.  I saw my sister-in-law and my most precious new baby niece.  Lastly, I was able to visit my only living brother at his home.  I had not seen him in almost 10 years.  Another emotional visit, but a very very good one. 

Not many can say they received their First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and made their first pilgrimage all within a weeks time.  I am truly blessed.

Now, on to facebook.  I am back.  I have even posted a few times.  I will readily admit to checking it pretty regularly, even frequently throughout those first few days.  It was almost like it was right back where it started from, except that it isn't.  Mostly, I check into some groups I am a part of.  I have checked up on people that I missed and wondered about.  I have also deleted some people that I did not wonder about (and likely haven't wondered about me) and I will do some more of that.  I do not spend loads of time scrolling down various peoples updates to see what 200 other people are doing with their days.  I am thinking, now that the novelty of it is over and past, I will just check it once every few days. 

All in all, I am a happier and more whole person.  I thank all of you who have participated reading during this journey.  Thanks for those that thought of me, and especially thanks to those who let me know they were thinking of me. 

Not sure what I am going to do with this blog at this point.  I am open to suggestions though!

Regarding Facebook

Regarding facebook and whether I will go back to it (since I have been asked):

I am not counting down the days until I can look at facebook again.  There are some groups that I miss, and those will probably be the things I look at first, but I have become so unaccustomed to checking it, I am not seeing myself doing it very often.  I'm not actually online very often anymore at all.  That can all change, it is quick to go back to old habits, but I actually hope that I don't go back to regular daily usage of it.  I have thought about my friends list and that will likely get gleaned down again.  It will be easier to do that since I know now who I miss and who has missed me and who I truly want to stay in that kind of touch with.

I have gained way too much during this 40 day time period to let it all go back to the way it was.  I have truly been able to focus on what is in front of me, and realize how much more important that is in my life rather that what I left behind me. 

My plan is to check into my groups maybe 2-3 times a week (these are more intimate and involve people/topics that are near and dear to me) but as for the general facebook, status updates and reading my feed, I just don't have the intention to make that a part of my daily routine.  I will likely check in once a week, but I'm going to try to limit it to that.  I think it will be easy.  I hope it will be easy.  I am not eager to change the new life I have adapted anytime soon.

Almost There

It is hard to believe that the 40 days are almost over.  They truly did feel like they flew by incredibly fast.  Lent is almost over and Easter is just in a few days.

It's been a while since I've blogged, partly because things have been pretty hectic here, and partly because I've really had nothing new to say that I haven't said already, and rather than sound like a broken record (which I'm sure I have) I figured it was better to not write at all.

Let's see, what has been up here.  We've had a birthday, I think I've blogged since Evy turned 6.  Last weekend we had a birthday party for her.  For those that know me well, you know I don't usually "do" birthday parties.  We usually do a family activity/party, and it doesn't involve decorating or having people over.  We gave Evy a bonafide birthday party complete with decorations and guests.

It actually turned out very well.  One of the moms asked me why I don't do birthday parties more often, since I do them so well.  I laughed and told her it was all the stress leading up to the party.  She had a tea party.  I spent a majority of the Friday before her party cutting out little tea cups and round circles for the cupcake picks, and little flags that said "eat me" for the tea sandwiches. I made a banner/bunting and decorated.  I also spent the morning before her party running out for some extra things that I had forgotten to pick up, and also running around to different grocery stores trying to find a certain kind of cookie.  Though the party was a success, when it w

Family

I want to start off by saying that I know that the word family is not just defined as someone you are related to.  I get that.  I know that sometimes, many times, people you are not related to become family.  I have many family that fall into that category.  But for today's blog post, I am referring to the family unit, as in the parents/partners with or without children type of family.

I did use facebook to keep up with family, both the related type and the not related type.  It's a great way to keep up with people.  I do enjoy reading about my friends and their families and seeing the things that they do as families.  It's uplifting to read about family events and celebrations.  It's not so good, however, when I am spending too much time reading about others and their families while ignoring what's going on under my own roof.  Without the distractions of facebook, I am finding that I am spending more time with my own family.  There are no more "wait just a second, I have to check something" or "wait until I am done reading..." going on.  That's not to say I am not spending free time doing other things and that I immediately drop what I am doing to meet someone else's needs, but rather, I am less distracted or caught up in someone else's life and am spending more time in the here and now.  It has been a wonderful thing.

I had 2 conversations with two different friends today, and in both, we talked about families.  Our family seems to be the exception to the rule.  We do almost everything together as a family.  Nick has the mens group he goes to, and I do go to my crochet group every week (not this week, and I'll get to that in a bit), and it's certainly healthy for parents to take some time out for themselves.  I am not blasting anyone who does that.  I can really think of only a handful of families that work like this.  Families that when a kid has a doctor appointment, or a medical procedure, the entire family goes out to support them.  We do have appointments sometimes where one parent stays home with the others, but we have had many many more where we all go together.  We do grocery shopping together.  We go to the library together.  We spend time fostering our relationships together.

What seems to be the norm nowadays is that the parents have their activities, and the kids have their individual activities, and never the twain shall meet.  The surprising place I see this happen is at church.  My older three daughters will be having their First Holy Communion in May.  This past Saturday, a planned activity (since the beginning of classes in September) was a quilt square day.  The kids were to come in with at least one parent, and work on their quilt squares for First Communion.  I didn't really feel like getting up early on a Saturday, but it was something important.  I was not the only parent there, there were others, but there were also kids that were just dropped off.  Yes, these kids were old enough to do it alone, and there were several teachers there to supervise, but the lack of parental involvement astonished me.

I asked if I could take home 3 extra squares (for Nick, Evy and myself) so that when they are complete, we can make a wall hanging from them to place over our home altar space.  Immediately designs and several extra squares were given to me.  The teachers were elated at the idea.  In the past, they had tried to do family wall hangings, even giving the parents everything they needed to do it at home in their own time, and it ended up a disaster with no one participating.  It really makes me sad to think about that.

This Sunday, Nick and I subbed in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade class.  It was an honor, and a blessing, and really, a wonderful way to start the week.  Honestly, if it ended up being a class full of trouble makers and I only answered one child's question, it would have been full worth it.  That wasn't the case.  I walked out of there feeling really blessed to be able to take part in teaching those children. 

Our classes at church are called Faith Formation classes.  I really thought about that and touched upon it in my teaching.  Our faith is not something we should live just one day a week.  It is something that needs to grow and develop, starting from a young age, that will be with us every day of our lives.  I have often said that I don't want to "have faith," rather, I want to LIVE my faith.  We talked about faith, and what our faith is.  We talked about formation and what it meant.  We are helping these kids, and all the teachers are, to form their faith.  We are teaching them to understand their faith and how to use it every day to keep it alive.

On a side note, a friend asked me today if there was any difference between teaching a kids class at the Catholic Church and when I taught class at a protestant church.  It made me think.  What was different?  I have taught many lessons on Bible stories.  You name it, I have probably taught about it.  Or ideas/concepts that go along with Christianity, Love Thy Neighbor, Be Respectful to Others, even if you don't like them, Being Good Stewards, etc etc etc.  In this class, we taught our FAITH.  The tenets of what we believe in as Catholics.  We are teaching kids to know why they believe what they believe, and how to use that to not only grow their Faith and share it with others, but also to defend their Faith.  Please, no matter what religion you are, please please please understand and learn why you believe what you believe, and teach it to your children.  You are doing yourself and your kids a major disservice if you don't.

One of the things I love most about attending Mass is that we attend it together as a family.  I am used to the kids going off to their classrooms (which mine still do, but it is between Masses, not during a Mass) and the adults go off to the service, and you get together after service, ask your kid what they learned and move on until the next week.  That has been the norm in every church I have attended up until the decision to convert.  We go to Mass together, sometimes all squished into a small pew, but we hear and experience and see and read the same things.  Even Evy has a book that follows along what it going on and she is pretty good at keeping up with what we are doing and turning to that page in her book. 

We get many many comments on how well the kids are behaved, how they are polite, etc.  They get praised often for their actions.  They sometimes get confused wondering what they are doing that deserves such praise, what are other kids doing that is so different.  I think for us, it is because we are a very close-knit family, and we talk a lot about our faith, and how to carry it every day.

Now, for the crochet group.  My kids have been model kids outside of our home for a long time.  At home, lately, things have gone down the tubes.  People are not being polite to one another, getting attitudes and ugly tones with siblings (I know it is considered old-fashioned, but I do NOT tolerate name-calling or insulting family members.)  Chore are being ignored in favor of doing what a kid wants rather than do what they are supposed.  The chores that are getting done are not being done correctly, just barely to the minimal standard.  Things they were being asked to do were answered with complaint.  I know we've had some rough times lately, and I know that last week particularly was very hectic with a lot of running around.  I am a homebody, and going out to an appointment every day was hard for me and left me exhausted and crabby.  I decided to skip my group and stay home so we could have some family time and a family meeting to discuss.

Everything fell in three categories, Thoughts, Words, and Deeds/Actions.  We talked about them.  We were honest.  We admitted where we had gone wrong.  We did this in a constructive manner, no scolding or reprimanding were necessary.  We talked as parents, and listened to the girls and their opinions and thoughts.  Sometimes, even close families need a powwow to regroup.  That is what we did.

Today has been much more pleasant.  People are being respectful of each other, jobs have gotten done, even volunteering for jobs that no one wants to do.  People who would normally cry over the thought of doing something overwhelming took a moment to step back, approached it in a more productive manner, and got it done.  The best part?  We did it together.  Everyone chipped in and everything that needed to get done got done.  We are a pretty cohesive family, but sometimes we need to re-shoot the azimuth and have a fresh start.

I know this will wear off in time, as we get back into everything becoming routine again, but then we can have another meeting and discuss it.  We will do it together, as a family.  Every family goes through on and off or in and out times.  What do you do with your family to foster your sense of togetherness, especially when things seem like they are falling apart?  I'd love to hear what you do to regroup. 

Happy Birthday!

Today was Evy's 6th birthday.  I still cannot believe that my "baby" is now six years old.  According to her, it was "the best birthday ever" which makes me very happy.

We didn't do a whole ton, but we all made sure to make her day very special.  She opened up her presents, including some very sweet hand-made presents by her sisters.  The angel key chain, our family in paper dolls, and a mini-book on all the things a girl should do on her birthday were her favorite gifts.  She also quite enjoyed the birthday calls from friends and family, although she is not much of a phone talker.  When I asked her why, she said, "I'm just a little bit nervous about being six."

On birthdays at our house, the birthday kid/adult gets to pick what they want for dinner.  As Catholics, we don't eat meat on Fridays (this is common during Lent, but we actually abstain from meat on all Fridays for the most part) so her choices were a little bit limited.  She ended up choosing Belgian waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream.  They even had root beer to drink, which any kind of carbonated drink is a HUGE treat in our house.

We also usually make our own birthday cakes, but she wanted a "store cake, no offense" (her words) so we got her a bakery cake, and added some decorations.  The colors were pink, purple, and green, perfect for a six year old princess.

After cake and ice cream (chocolate chip cookie dough, no less) we had a nail painting night.  One of the girls has a nail painting design book, so the girls all chose the ones they wanted and we went through processes of painting and drying (Nick was in charge of the drying station) for the entirety of the evening.  We ended up with zebra print, yin-yang, flowers and vines, and fireworks (which ended up looking more like roses and leaves).  Very festive nails in our house.

And now, everyone is tucked into bed and all is quiet.  I suspect a big part of it is the sugar crash from all of the sweet treats tonight.

Even though it was a low key kind of birthday, I am so glad that my little princess had a wonderful day.  I am so incredibly thankful for my family, and for the time that we spend together having fun and making awesome memories. 

Ivy Hope

What I have to share is something that most people who know me don't know about.  It is a topic that some might find a little morbid, but I still need to share.

I will make a very long story as short as I can.  My last pregnancy was a total surprise.  We weren't sure if we were going to have any more children, and after some trauma to my uterus with my 3rd, I was warned that a 4th child could be dangerous.  I found out I was pregnant when we were preparing for my husband's first deployment to Iraq.  It was not my timing, and I was terrified at how I would handle everything alone.  Still, it was welcome and a beautiful gift.

I went in early on to see the doctor because I was having some cramping.  The ultrasound showed 2 babies.  We were having twins!  I was shocked, but still joyous.  I was to come back in the next week after some blood work to check levels.  We were excited, and we chose names for girl/girl, boy/boy, and girl/boy.  Evelynn (Evy) and Ivy.  Ethan and Nathan.  Evelynn and Ethan. 

The next week I went in as planned and was told the numbers didn't look good.  A quick portable ultrasound showed that the entire pregnancy, both babies, were "not viable."  A rude, callous doctor shoved a box of tissues at me, now crying, saying I shouldn't be sad because I was lucky to have 3 living children at home, and started quoting statistics at me that 1 out of every x number of pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so I was basically a statistic and with having 3 healthy pregnancies, it was just "my turn" to have this happen.

Really long story short, after being told about the D&C I would require, they sent me to radiology for a clearer ultrasound to "confirm their findings" and I went home (I was alone, with hubby at home with the other girls) and picked up my rock and support, dropped the girls at the neighbors, and we headed back for the devastating confirmation.

I did not want to look at the screen and see my "not viable" babies, so I turned my head.  Through my tears, I heard Nick say, "Is that what I think it is?" and the tech said to wait just a moment and she would explain.  She asked me to look at the screen and I remember telling her that I couldn't do it.  She told me I needed to see this, so I looked and there was one baby, not living, and one baby with a beating heart.  She printed out that picture, with the little waves at the bottom that showed a heartbeat, and told me to take it back to my doctor.  I did, and he just said, "Well, sometimes things work out for the better." 

So, how do you grieve for a lost child, when you still have one in your womb, heart beating, growing and thriving?  The short answer, at least for me, is you don't.  You are happy and relieved and grateful and thankful. 

How, when that child is born, and despite complications, is alive and well and healthy, do you mourn for the baby that wasn't along side of her?  Again, for me, you don't.

We went on with life, and while I still felt like someone was missing, I just pushed that feeling aside and was happy with the gifts I was given.  Evy was a miracle, there is no doubt about that in my mind.  I clung to that and anything else fell by the wayside.

I didn't know that I had to grieve and mourn.  It wasn't something we talked much about.  When All Souls Day rolled around last year, we talked to the girls about it, and we had a chart where we put the names of lost loved ones.  A family member had experienced a miscarriage, and we put that name on the chart.  Questions were asked on whether we had ever experienced something like that, and that is when we told the girls about Ivy. 

During my recent journey, I had time to grieve and mourn.  I had more inside of me than I knew was even there, and it felt so good to let it out.  Ivy was memorialized, and I have a certificate of life with her name on it:  Ivy Hope.  We planned to tell the girls, but hadn't yet found a time.

Yesterday, part of Evy's school work was reading about the Lazarus story from the Bible.  We talked about how death is not death, but a change in life, and how, when we live as images of God, our souls are separated from our bodies, but our souls continue to live on in Heaven.  We talked about how people we have lost are in Heaven.  She started crying and out of her precious little mouth came the words "I miss my twin!" 

I decided it was as good a time as any to talk to the girls about the memorial. I showed Evy the little angel I was given in her sister's memory, and she held it and hugged it and cried, mourning her sister.  Everyone shed some tears, and we decided school was done for the day as we were all too emotional to carry on.  Hannah remarked that it was amazing that Evy felt such a connection to someone she had never known.  Sophia said, "But she did know her.  They were in Mommy's womb together."  How right she is. 

Ivy Hope has not breathed in a single breath on this earth, and I have never held her or kissed her, but she is very much alive, and I know she is looking down on us and watching over us and I know a day will come when we will be reunited with her.  I do believe that Ivy gave up her life so that her sister could live and grow and thrive, and I will always thank her for that sacrifice. 

When I miss facebook

I can actually say for the first time since I gave up facebook that there is a time I really wish I was on it.  Pinterest is coming in handy for coming up with ideas, but I miss my crafty tried and true friends on facebook today.

The reason?  A birthday party.  Miss E is turning six on Friday.  I cannot believe she has gotten this big already.  She's my "baby" and my last, and I just cannot believe that almost 6 whole years have flown by since she came into my life.

She hasn't had a birthday party ever.  We are "mean parents" and we just don't do a lot of parties.  There was a time in Texas, where all the neighbors in our little row were friends and all the kids were friends, and it seemed like every month there was a party.  I hadn't really been big into birthday parties before that time, other than family parties.  I think before we lived in TX, Hannah had only had 1 party and that was her first birthday, and only family was there.  In Texas, with all our friends, there were plenty of birthday parties and themes and the older three girls had parties.  Poor Evy came in on the back end of our time there, and I think she had one party there, for her first birthday.  All our neighbors in that row felt like family, so to us, it was a family party.

By the time we got to Georgia, I was partied out.  That and living in a new place and not knowing a lot of people, parties just weren't a big priority.  J did have a party here, but it was just neighbor kids that we invited.  I had invited whole families from our neighborhood, hoping it would be a good time for us parents to meet and have a good time, but only the kids ended up coming.

Even after we got to know people, parties just didn't happen.  Instead, deployment, injuries, surgeries, etc. happened.  With having a larger family (I say larger because 4 kids doesn't feel like a large family to me, but other people perceive our family to be large, so I say "larger"), parties also become expensive.  Shindigs 4 times a year add up to big bucks.

What we usually do to celebrate a birthday is an activity of the birthday kids choice (bowling, dinner/lunch out, etc) and the birthday girl gets to choose what dinner they want.  We do present opening and pictures with cake also, just a little family celebration.

Well, Evy really really wants a birthday party.  I told her that her friends may not be able to come.  She is totally fine with that and doesn't mind if it is just our family, but she really wants a tea party.  Already having 4 kids, we have enough people for a party on our own.  Her back up plan was a surprise party.

So I have been planning her surprise tea party birthday party on the sly.  I invited 4 little girls her age, and so far have gotten 3 yeses and a maybe.  I am planning activities and decorating and foods.  Not a problem, I can handle this.  But I do miss being able to post on facebook "hey, does anyone have any ideas for this?" and getting a ton of replies with ideas and recipes.  As I said before, pinterest has come in quite handy, as well as google, but I do miss my go to people for things like this.

Despite figuring it all out on my own, I do think it is going to be a wonderful party for her remember her special day by.

Half way there

I really did intend to blog every day, other than during my journey.  While the physical part is over, the rest is still going on and I haven't really had anything to write about.  This past week was just another week, and I have spent time doing things I enjoy, spending time with my family, and preparing for some busy weeks ahead.  It's also been pretty warm outside, mid-80's, and my A/C isn't currently working so it's been pretty hot and muggy in the house, which is great for laying on a sofa and doing a whole lot of nothing.

Anyway, I have past the half-way mark of the 40 days of Lent.  As for facebook, I honestly don't miss it at all.  I can say that with truth and certainty.  There are some people I am wondering about, hoping life is going well for them, wondering how they are doing and what is going on, but a majority of the people on my friends list, I can say I haven't wondered about.  I know that sounds mean, but I don't intend it to come across in an insulting way.  It is just the truth.  I am pretty sure those people haven't wondered about me either, which is fine with me.  That is what happens when you surround yourself with acquaintances.  It isn't good or bad, it just is.

I did a big purge before my break, and I am planning on doing a major purge when I come back.  I will also probably spend a lot less time on facebook.  I am thinking a once or twice a week check in, but only time will tell.  I am pretty sure I am not going to add the app back onto my phone.  My battery power is staying much higher without the constant notifications, despite the fact that I've been talking on the phone a lot more often.

Feelings of jealousy (yep, I said that out loud) are gone along with feelings of not being "good enough" and I'd like to keep it that way.  I am happy with being me, and I have friends that I see regularly and talk to regularly, and despite having "less" in my life, I am feeling much more enriched, fulfilled, and satisfied. 

Busy weeks are coming ahead full of appointments, phone calls that need to be made, house to prepare for guests, gifts to be bought, heads and hearts to ready, and instead of feeling the usual feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed, I am feeling rather serene.  I am not looking ahead and stressing, rather I am taking it one day at a time, and I know good things await me when I am done.

I will try to be better at updating, but I will do what I can do, and if I get to it great, if not, the world will certainly not end.

Let me tell you about my Saint

The Saint I have chosen to be my patron Saint (or maybe he chose me) is St. Francis of Assisi.  I will take the name Francis as my confirmation name. 

A lot of people who choose St. Francis choose him because of his love for animals.  I do have a love of animals, so that does fit for me, but that is not why I chose him.

Saint Francis grew up in a very wealthy family, and he lived a very lavish lifestyle.  Despite being surrounded by any material thing he could have ever wanted, he was not fulfilled.  He traded that lifestyle in for a life of poor, simple, peaceful living for God.

It is that peace, that simple peace, that I yearn for so much with all of my heart.  For probably the first time in my life, I feel that peace within me.  I feel beautiful, loved, and I feel at peace.  This is a peace unlike any I have ever felt. 

Saint Francis once preached to a flock of birds, because that is who was around to hear him.  That is me.  I no longer care who listens to me, if it is one, if it is many, or if it is only myself and a flock of birds. 

Every morning, I take my coffee out on the patio, and I listen to my bird-song of peace surround me, and my soul is at rest.  I will sing with the birds, and I will soar high, and I don't care who sees me.  I no longer worry about what others think of me, or if I fit in, or if I am "good enough."  I am at peace with myself, at peace with my soul.  I have always been a peacemaker for others.  Now, I am a peacemaker for me. 

Metamorphosis

I have been absent for a few days.  I will not say where I have been but I will say that I have been on a journey.

I will tell you that I am a butterfly, changed from recent metamorphosis, newly emerged from my cocoon.  My wings are still fragile, but they are getting stronger by the minute.  Soon they will be strong enough that I will be able to fly.

Re-booting

I have had so much catharsis these past few days.  So very much.  I feel like I am making strides I have been trying to make for years, and I am just now "getting" it.  It is like walking.  First you learn to sit up, then creep, then crawl, then you take steps holding on to things, then you work up to a few wobbly steps and then you have to take that chance and let go and do it on your own.  I feel like that perfectly explains the process.

I feel like I am sort of re-booting my life, my mind, and even my soul.  I am learning so much about myself, and for the first time in many years, I am perfectly happy and content with myself.  I know I sound like a broken record, but really, this is an amazing feeling.

I am working through guilt.  I have carried a tremendous burden of guilt for so many years.  I wear my guilt like a fine mink stole.  At first, I just wrapped myself up in it, not knowing anything else to do with it.  Then over the years it has become stifling, uncomfortable, and overwhelming.  Self-reflection is hard work.  It can be very taxing on the body, both physically and mentally.  But it is worth it. 

My guilt is now a scarf.  It is still there, but it is breathable, light-weight, and I can finally move with it and not have it hinder my ability to live and love and be happy.  I am working on unraveling it.  I know it will be a process, as so much of life is, but I am determined to keep on picking at the string until I am free of it.

Two Words

First Reconciliation.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and even though I was nervous about it, it went so well and I feel such a sense of peace. 

There is just something about hearing those words of absolution that lightens the heart and the spirit. 

That is all.

insert witty/meaningful title here

I really have nothing poignant to say today.  Really, just nothing to say at all. 

It was just a day.  I think after yesterday and the night prior, I am just spent, both physically from all the scrubbing, and mentally from all the stress of it.  I felt generally agitated and crabby all day, but that is to be expected.

I guess after yesterday's adventure, a regular old day seems pretty boring.  Something I have come to realize in my old(er) age: boring is a good thing.

I did talk to one of my best friends earlier and we talked through what happened yesterday, and a good sign is that I felt better when I was done.  Another good sign is that I could laugh about it. 

The home warranty people called to explain to me exactly why the plumbing issue was not covered, and while I disagree with the reasons, at least I now know what they are. 

But it was just a day.  Not good, not bad, just was. 

Tomorrow, well, tomorrow I will have something to write about. 

A bump in the road

This is the first time since I gave up facebook that it really hit the fan.  No pun intended, but you'll get it if you continue to read.

Today was really the first day I missed being able to reach out with a "help, this is what is happening, anyone know what to do about it" situation.  But I survived it, and I did reach out to and talk with 3 of my friends who all helped in the process of "talking me down."

After my post last night, I was still on my happy high, crocheting away, having fun, enjoying the ending to the day.  Then a kid took a bath.  Then one of the girls told me there was water all over their bathroom floor.  Then we realized it wasn't from the tub, it was coming out from under the toilet.  Then we flushed the toilet to check and more water poured out.  As the hubby plunged (after I grilled the girls on if anything was flushed down the toilet and on toilet paper usage) even more water came out.  It was coming from the bottom of the toilet where it meets the floor.  This was especially frustrating because it was around a year ago or so that friends came down and helped us rip out the flooring, replace the flange, set a new wax seal, fix the sink, re-do the flooring, etc.  We pretty much ripped everything out and fixed/replaced.

Then when someone went to use our bathroom (2 toilet house) it was discovered that water was coming out from under our toilet too.  Then it started backing up into the bath tubs also.  Of course this happened Sunday night when no one is available. 

Long story short and without giving out the sordid details, we survived the night, the morning came, along with a plumber, and a few hundred dollars later, we now have 2 working toilets again.

I am a girl who prefers natural cleaners.  Not for this job.  I went to the store and came home with a pair of heavy duty rubber gloves, a bottle of heavy duty cleaner that kills 99.9% of nasties, heavy duty laundry detergent (to clean every single towel in our house that was used to soak up the water), and a bottle of wine.

Now that the towels are laundered, the bathrooms are disinfected and sanitized, and I am disinfected and sanitized, I think it's time to open up that bottle of wine.

But, we survived.  Nothing went in an ideal way.  It was horrible.  It was taxing both physically and financially, but we survived.  I realize this is just a bump in the road, and we have gotten over it.  I know we will have more, especially as we continue on this journey, but I also know we are not alone and that we will get through.

Chain and chat

Today turned out to be an awesome day.  Of course we went to Mass this morning, which is always a good pick me up.  I love going to Mass.  It leaves me with such a peace in my soul, and it really recharges my batteries for the week ahead.  My hubby loves Mass, and the girls love Mass and we all look forward to going each week. Even though it is the day us girls have to get up the earliest, everyone wakes up willingly and with no complaining.  We were going on Wednesday nights as well before our class, however the use of incense during Holy Hour really aggravates asthma girl, so we avoid that day of the week.

I had talked to some women last month regarding a get together for a crochet group and I expressed interest in going.  I forgot to ask about it the day it was to start, or I was busy or something (I do not really remember a month ago) and I didn't end up going.  I thought it was a monthly thing, but wasn't sure.  With so much going on lately, it didn't occur to me to ask someone.

After Mass today, I went into the book store/gift shop to get a gift for someone, and the woman running the shop is the one heading up the crochet group.  I was mentioning that I needed some more coffee, and she mentioned first where to get coffee (God bless the guy who makes coffee every week!) and then that the group was meeting at 2:30.  I told her I was pretty tired and run down, but I might make it.  Honestly, after yesterdays bit of anxiety, I was leery about going out alone again, and also, we usually spend Sunday together as a family.

I mentioned it to the hubster, and he said I should definitely go.  I tend to find excuses not to go to things.  Truthfully, when I am not typing behind a computer screen, I am shy.  I am a social introvert for sure, and new people and situations make me nervous.  I love to crochet.  It sometimes makes me feel like an old lady (complete with my arthritis at the ripe old age of 37), but I love it.  I am also not good at it.  I am good at some things, but I am pretty much self taught after a lesson with a family member, and I am just now (after years and years) learning to read a pattern, and sometimes I don't understand what a pattern is saying to do, and I make it up as I go along.  I feared that my skills weren't up there with the other ladies, and I didn't want to be an annoyance or cause someone to spend the entire time teaching me.

I thought some and realized that hubby was right.  I should go.  I need to get involved, and to hang out with other women who are mentors to me on this faith journey, and with others who are of a like mind.  While picking up the girls from their classes, I asked another lady what we were required to bring.  She said just yarn and a hook, see you at 2:30.  So it was decided.

At a quarter after 2, I nervously packed up a couple of skeins of yarn and my pack of various sized crochet hooks and headed out the door.  I told the family I would probably be no longer than an hour.  I didn't imagine I'd be gone that long, seeing as how I had already decided I'd probably either be a big flop or I'd crash and burn socially after that long.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was welcomed right in, and even when I informed them that I was self taught and at beginner level, only having made blankets, hats and scarves, I was told I wasn't the only one, and that if I made a hat, I was surely better than I thought.  I looked at the sample the leader had brought in and thought, "whoa, I am waaaaaay out of my league here!"  Then I looked at the pattern, which appeared to be written in a foreign language, and felt certain I would end up sitting there without a clue.

We started together, row by row, and when we got to a part that someone didn't understand (I wasn't the only one!!) we talked over it longer, and when necessary, the leader came around and showed us how.  The longer we crocheted, the more comfortable I got.  The more comfortable I got, the chattier I became.  We all sat there, women of all different ages and backgrounds, with the common bond of being Catholic (or almost in my case) and love of yarn crafting.  We talked about crafts, about what things were like when we were growing up, our families, our interests, little things about us (like I am a lefty, technically, but I crochet with my right hand) and just about all kinds of things.  We drank coffee, there were snacks, but mostly we just sat there and enjoyed our time.

Before I left, hubby and I had planned on eating our Sunday dinner around 4:30 or so.  You know, because I wasn't going to be gone that long.  (Sunday crock pot dinner for the win!  Throw it all in before Mass and come home to a dinner that's already made!)  I decided to look at my watch, being sure only an hour had passed.  I was shocked when I discovered that it had been over 2 hours.  Even though I wasn't done with my square (I believe the end goal of these weekly projects is to make various types of squares and then put them together into an afghan), I was well on my way and had gotten the approval that my work indeed looked the way it should.  I did decide to go ahead and leave, since I knew I was being waited on for dinner at home. 

The ladies thanked me for coming and I thanked them as well for asking me and told them that I was thankful I came, because I am shy and I was worried I wouldn't be good enough.  They said that I did very very well (look at those nice perfect stitches!) and that they were glad I decided to come and they look forward to having me every week.  I walked out of there feeling like a new woman.  It has been a long while since I felt like I "belong" anywhere, and I felt so much like a part of things, and I felt like I had a place where being me was just fine.  I was glowing, and happy and so content with myself.  I am thankful that I pushed myself, and most thankful that God gave me the opportunity to meet these wonderful ladies and welcome me into their group.

And then I stopped at McDonald's for a sweet tea on the way home, where I got hit on by a much younger guy.  Yep, my 37 year old gray-haired arthritic self got hit on.  As silly as it sounds, I smiled as I walked away with my tea. 

What a perfect day!

Just a rainy Saturday

Sometimes I think God gives us rainy Saturdays just so we can have a day to stay in and relax and cuddle up with a book or a movie.  Except today was not our typical rainy Saturday.

The hubby had to go in to work today.  He is "The Voice of the Marne" which translates into he is the narrator for a crap ton of various ceremonies.  Typically they take place during the week and work hours, but today was the odd weekend one.  He enjoys doing it, though, and this one was fun because it involved some kids sports teams getting recognized. 

We had planned on going to the commissary after he got home, but then we quickly realized it was a military payday weekend, and that means that the commissary was going to be packed.  And walmart, and probably Kroger too.  We had discussed actually driving to a different town just to have a change of scenery and hopefully to avoid the throngs of people shopping in our small town.  But then the rain hit.

I had this brilliant idea that I'd just go to Sav-a-lot and pick up the things we needed to get through the week.  It's a great way to save money on groceries, and while the choices are limited, they usually have what we need and we can make do with substitutions when we need to.  I donned my jacket that doubles as a rain coat and set out by myself.  I figured it was silly for more than one person to get wet, so I went alone, which is a rarity.

I tend to go out with the girls in tow, or on occasion, just Nick and I.  I didn't realize how accustomed I have become to not doing things alone.  I know some people relish their alone time and love shopping without the family, and going out and doing things to have their own space.  And everyone always tells me, "It's good to have some time alone" and "every mom needs some alone time" but to be honest, I actually prefer to have company.  Lately, my "alone time" has come in the form of saying my rosary, or reading a book.  I don't feel the need to get out and away from everyone in my house.  Some people tell me that is not healthy, and I don't have an answer to that.  If I feel content, is it still unhealthy?

Of course I have the times where I just want some peace and quiet, and maybe it is unhealthy that I don't know what to do with myself when I am alone, but I don't think it's that I've become dependent on my family, or that I am afraid to be alone with my own thoughts.  I had times like those in the past, but I don't feel that way now.  I think instead, I have just become content with my life the way it is, and I don't see a need to change that.

In any case, I actually found myself dreading the shopping.  It wasn't the weather.  I am a weirdo who loves the rain, and driving in it (as long as I can still see out of my windshield) is oddly comforting and relaxing.  I hate shopping around here and maybe it's just that it's been so long since I've been shopping alone.  I am also not one who finds comfort in shopping.  I thought of going to the dollar store, but it wasn't right by the area I was heading, so I ditched that idea.  Then I thought of walking around Big Lots so I could take a breather and try to get more comfortable alone, but I quickly decided to just stick to my original plan.

It was pretty empty in the store, just a few other shoppers, and it didn't take me long to get what I needed.  By the time I checked out, it was pouring even harder and I got thoroughly soaked on the way out to the car.  By the time I got home, I was drenched, and when the hubs came out of the door to help bring in groceries, I told him to just stay there and I'd bring the bags to the front steps.  I walked in trailing water everywhere and my jeans were wet up to my knees. 

I don't know why it was uncomfortable for me to shop alone, or if that's a bad sign, or anxiety rearing its head, not really sure, and while it was slightly annoying, I am not going to over-analyze it and instead I was just happy to get into some warm dry clothes and go back to my book.

Let them eat cake!

Well, cupcakes, anyway.  The highlight of the day was making cupcakes.  Tonight we went to our first ever Lenten fish fry (as a family, I went to some back in Buffalo when the oldest was in utero).  Our church holds a fish fry every Friday during the Lenten season.  It is so different converting to Catholicism in the south, at least in this area where it seems that being Catholic is quite unusual.  I have lived in many cities where there are several Catholic churches.  The last time I went a fish fry, the big deal was to find out which church/meeting place had the best one.  The VFW was by far the best.  Here, we only have on Catholic Church in our town.  We pass many other churches on the way from our house to our parish, but none are Catholic.  I did see a sign for Checkers Fish Bites Box on a billboard, but I haven't seen many other food items put out especially for those observing Lent. 

Our parish isn't very large, at least it seems like the volunteers that put on things like the fish fry are the ones that organize most things.  So going to a function, I am sure to see the same people, and it always makes me smile inside and I relish this feeling of belonging to a community.  It is nice to walk in and see the girls catechism teachers, or women from the CCW.  I am getting to know them, and they are getting to know me and I believe it won't be long before I am recruited in. 

Anyway, back to cake.  The women's group sent an email letting us know that it would be greatly appreciated to bring in cupcakes for the fish fry.  The dinner includes fish, fries, coleslaw, bread, and grits (I think this is a southern thing as well.  We eat them for breakfast frequently, but haven't had them with something like fish before).   Also a drink and dessert are included in the price.  We missed the fish fry last week, but I thought since we were planning on going tonight, we'd bring some cupcakes.

Hannah and Sophia are my little bakers, so they baked the cupcakes and I decorated them.  I bought a new icing bag and tips just for this, and then I ended up printing off some little toppers to go on as well.  The girls assembled the toppers and watched with delight while I piped on tons of icing.  We put them in the carrier and couldn't wait to take them.

It is funny how something small as contributing cupcakes brings such appreciation, and how good it made us feel to be able to contribute.  Again, it's that sense of community that we are feeling, and it feels good. 

So now I believe we will be making cupcakes every week to bring along.  I am a big dork and I spent some time this evening coming up with different decorating ideas and things I can make to put on top.  I can't wait until the next time so we can bring some more. I think it will be a great service project for the girls and I to participate in together.  I plan on getting the younger two involved next time. 

Oh, and the fish fry was out of this world.  Everyones plates were empty and we walked away with full bellies and hearts. 

Nothing to see here

Nothing new going on today.  I have pretty much decided to scrap the rest of the week as far as my to-do list goes and instead relish in my new found ability to relax.  I've read more books this past week than I have in quite some time.  I love it.  My daily list is no longer weighing me down like a ball and chain, rather it has become fluid and non-concrete.  Oddly, I am quite alright with that.

We had a thought provoking class last night and I got pretty vocal (I usually pipe up once or twice, but remain quiet for most of it usually).  It was a subject that I am passionate about and it felt good to be vocal and not care if anyone else shared my same sentiment.  Again, I am oddly okay with that also.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me.  Something has been laid upon my heart and there are so many different directions it could lead me, but for now, it is something that is just in the prayer process.  I need to figure out what I am to do with this subject of the heart, and I am content knowing that right now is not a time of action, and I am also content knowing that there may never be a time of action regarding this.  The only thing I can do now is pray on it.  So that is what I am doing.  If you feel led, please pray as well.  (I believe that we don't necessarily have to know exactly what the situation is that is being prayed about, as God already knows, but extra prayer can only help.)

One week

It's been one week since starting my facebook fast.  I have learned many things during this time.  I am finding myself closer to my friends, having more meaningful relationships with them, and even though I cherished my friendships before, I am seeing now just how fully those that God has put in my life have nourished and enriched it.  I am very thankful for that.

I am happier in my own skin.  This has been a very cathartic time, and I first thought that without the constant interaction with my "facebook friends" I would feel lonely.  Honestly, I have felt less lonely than I did before.  I am learning to feel my feelings, and think my thoughts, and be comfortable with them.  I am focusing on what I am feeling and doing a lot of soul searching without the distraction.  As I told a dear friend earlier, soul searching can sometimes be painful, emotional, and exhausting.  But the payoff in the end is well worth it.

I am becoming much more productive with my time.  Today I did nothing.  Well, I ate, made sure the kids were fed, and I schooled my children.  Other than that, nothing of major consequence was done.  Instead, I sat on the couch a majority of the rest of the day and read a book.  Before, I could have wasted the same amount of time looking around on facebook, and not felt content with how I spent my time.  Now, even if I slack off on my to-do list, I am okay with that.

I think I am finally learning how to relax.  I didn't realize how keyed up I tend to be, and I think I had forgotten how to relax.  Now, I am feeling less stress and pressure, and relaxing is coming easier and easier.  I know there are a bunch of things I need to eventually get to, appointments to make, things that need taken care of, but none of them are pressing me to the point where I feel so overwhelmed I can't get figure out where to start.  I have slept better in the last few days than I think I have in the last few months. 

This is one of the most stressful times of my life.  After getting medically evacuated out of Iraq, my husband spent 5 months 3 hours away from us getting treated medically, having surgery and doing rehabilitation.  He spent 3 more months doing the same here at home, and then was found medically fit to return to duty.  3 months later, he was found medically unable to continue serving. 

Since then, it has been one long process of waiting and waiting and waiting.  Finally, his official "you are unfit" came back.  I think that was in January.  Now we wait for disability percentage.  This percentage will determine if he will be medically discharged (pat on the butt and a good game) or if he will be medically retired (he will receive a monthly retirement and disability payment, and we get to keep our health insurance and have the ability to get onto military posts for things like the PX and Commissary).  We are also waiting for an end date.  The date he will be done.  There have been job interviews that we are waiting on as well. 

Not having one inkling of what the future holds is incredibly unsettling. I am a planner by nature, and not being able to plan anything is stressful.  Our 20 year plan was cut short by about 8 years, and now we are left scrabbling for a backup plan. 

Despite all of this, I am feeling at peace.  I am confident that the God that has called us to this journey will not leave us uncapable of dealing with it, and He will not leave us alone, but instead will carry us through.  There is nothing to be gained by worrying or fretting.  There is nothing that I can do that is productive about this situation that we are not already doing, and so we sit and wait and I am oddly okay with that too.

The most important thing I have learned? Just to be.

Friends vs. Acquaintances

If there is one thing I am realizing more and more as the days go by, it is the differences in friends and acquaintances.  I have realized just how many times I have found myself saying things like this friend on facebook posted...oh, I have this friend on facebook who had this great idea to...my facebook friend is doing...

I am seeing that most of the time when I have said those words, the person I am referring to isn't really a friend.  I do believe that acquaintances are put in our lives for a purpose.  I don't think having acquaintances is a bad thing.  I think they can enrich our lives, and sometimes we have something to learn from them, and sometimes we can teach them something and basically they are a good thing.

I think the trouble comes in when a person confuses an acquaintance with a friend.  So many times one of my girls has said something to me about their friend so and so, that they happen to have met at a party and have only seen once and likely never will again.  Or they meet a new child at a playground and they are their new friend.  It's nothing but pure innocence when they are young.  Every child is a friend, and they don't know that not all people who you meet and interact with are friendly. 

As my oldest daughter has gotten to the teen years, we've had to have some talks.  Friends are not mean to you, they don't disrespect you.  When we changed churches, this really came up.  She missed her friends from youth group, and her friends she saw at church.  We had to have the talk about friends and how a majority of these people she had no contact with outside of church, and how if someone never calls you, talks to you, emails you, etc. etc. are they really your friend.

I am seeing just who in my life is a friend and just who in my life is an acquaintance.  When you disconnect yourself from a major social source such as facebook, suddenly the interaction goes from a large amount of people to just a handful.  I am annoyed with myself that I have been sharing details of my life with people who don't care to stay in touch.  I am not upset with the people, just myself. It seems like if it takes less effort to keep up with someone, people have no problem reaching out, and if it takes more effort and isn't directly at your fingertips, less people do.

I am okay with all of this.  It is a good thing.  My friends reach out and they have been very supportive of me, and have thought of me and called, emailed, or come by.  My real true friends know exactly who they are, and I am so thankful that God has chosen to bless my life through them.  I am thankful that the acquaintances that I have/have had are/were in my life as well.  Mostly I am thankful for the clarity I am beginning to have to see which are which and what to do with that information. 

Comparing

One thing that I do, that I have always done, and grapple with on an almost daily basis, is that I compare myself with other people.  Constantly.  Beauty, parenting abilities, talent, intelligence, weight, popularity...these are just some of the things that I compare.  The thing is, I always come up short.  Whoever I am comparing myself to, they are always much better off at whatever the thing is than I am.

I was talking to a friend this morning (something else I have more time and more inspiration to do now) and I was telling her this and she commented that I am much too hard on myself.  We talked about how I have been feeling happier with myself than I was, and how I am gaining comfort in my own skin (something I have been lacking for a good long time now) and just how in general, I am more content to be me. 

Something she said struck me.  "It's because you are no longer comparing yourself to 200 other people." 

Wow.  She is so incredibly right.  I am no longer reading about 200 other peoples days and deciding how those 200 people are way better than I am at pretty much everything.  I am not becoming socially inept.  Instead, I am having phone conversations, seeing people, conversing with people that I see every week at church but don't usually stop and talk to, and I am happy.  I am feeling something else I haven't felt in a long time, content.  I don't need to be more stylish, I don't need to be prettier, I don't need to have 45 people comment on my post about whatever, I don't need to be better at underwaterbasketweaving, etc. etc. to be happy.  I am happy being me, looking like me, having the friends that I have, and doing what I do.
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This next bit is regarding religion, so if you don't want to read it, stop here, that's fine.  If you want to read and think I am a whack job, feel free.  If you want to debate my belief system, it won't hurt my feelings.

The constant comparing, as I said, is something I struggle with.  It is also something I have been working on.  I had somewhat of an epiphany regarding this at the beginning of the year, and it is something I have tried to keep constant awareness of, but the no facebook has made it easier.

When I compare myself to someone else, and I come up short, what I am in essence saying is that God didn't do a good enough job when He made me the way I am.  Who am I to say that?  I  may never be the best <insert whatever here>, but I am the way God made me, with the gifts He gave me, and it is wrong of me, sinful actually, to act as if I know better than He who/what/how I should be.  That's not to say I don't need to work hard towards goals, or try to get better at something or practice, etc. but I need to be happy with who I am and get to like myself. This was made clear to me before now, but now I feel as if I am truly starting to understand how to put this theory into practice.

Wonderful Weekend

I did not write a blog post for the weekend days because we had out of town company.  The time went by way too quickly with our dear friends, but the only time i picked up the computer at all was to pour over some things on pinterest with my friend, and I think to look up the weather as they left this morning.

We talked a bit about how things are going with the no facebook thing, and it was fun to discuss the positive ways that it has affected my life.  My friend gave up her faceboook account some time back, and I always thought to myself, "I could never do that."  But really, I seeing how she could.  I am thinking that when this 40 day period is over, I may just check in once a week.  I am already thinking that this will be a good way to cull down my friends list for sure.  I will be able to know which people I missed and thought of (and maybe even who missed and thought of me) and anyone who doesn't fit in that category, I plan on doing a serious evaluation on whether or not I need to be able to be a voyeur into their lives, and whether or not they need to be a voyeur into mine.

A wonderful part of this weekend: we have officially been recognized by our diocese as candidates for confirmation.  This is the reason our friends came up here to see us, was to be with us as we went to the Cathedral and had our enrollment. We see them on a regular basis anyway, not just a specific reason, but this was the main purpose this trip. 

Our friends are our sponsors for our conversion.  Long story without too many details:  I knew the husband of our friend couple when I was in high school (different schools).  Nick knew the wife of the couple.  Neither one of our couple met the other half in high school.  I lost touch with the husband, got connected again some years later and we realized we had married spouses who went to the same school, and then that they knew each other.  We got our families together for a nervous first visit (what if his wife/her husband don't like us?) and the rest is history.

I believe that God has had a hand on me in my life from the beginning.  I believe that each step I have taken in my life was known about by God, and that all parts, even the bad ones, have had a reason.  To me though, to be able to trace the path that I am on now back to high school, well, honestly, it blows me away.  God knew that when I made a friend 20 some years ago, that it would be that very friend who would marry his wife, who was Catholic, and that he would convert, and that years after that, we would reconnect and that their family would be a catalyst in our conversion process.

Seeing my children and theirs (who may as well be siblings at this point) saying the same prayers together now, when the first time we got together my kids had no idea what those prayers were, it warms my heart in a way I cannot even describe.  Our friends have held our hands from the beginning of this process, even when we were just questioning, and now they are sponsoring Nick and myself, and our oldest daughter as well, for our Confirmations.  They have also taken on the roll of Godparents of the girls.

I already knew I am lucky to have the people in my life that I do, but now it feels like I can see it and appreciate it more clearly than before.

Sometimes I have to remind myself...

This morning, I re-pinned something on pinterest that is really fitting to my current path.  (I have not given up pinterest for Lent, as I don't see it as a social media since it is just for things that I want to keep track of.)

It was one of those inspirational type quotes.  It said:

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to do what everyone else is doing.

I see what looks like fads all the time on facebook, and in real life too, but since this blog is all about not doing facebook for 40 days, I will focus on that.  It seems like the same things go around, the same pictures get shared, quotes, videos, news articles, etc.  There are fads that range from clothing/accessory styles, parenting, crafting, eating styles, photography, and the list goes on. 

Don't get me wrong, these are not bad things.  It is a great place for sharing ideas, for what works, and for new recipes, ways to eat healthier, music to listen to, books to read, really a plethora of things.  It is so easy though, at least for me, to get caught up in the whole "well, everyone else is doing this so..." thing.

Not being on facebook, well, I am not seeing what everyone else is doing.  This is a good thing for me.  Instead, I am doing what I enjoy doing, and I am influenced only by those close to me and who are around me and who are present in my life.  If I have a problem, I need to come up with a solution to it on my own.  I have realized that on a social media network like facebook, it is so easy to let others do the thinking for me.  Now I am re-learning how to think on my own.

It is funny, with the cutting down of electriconics, I have become more conversational with my family.  I feel like I am more present in my home, if that makes sense.  Not that I was neglecting my home, more like I was neglecting myself and my own inner thoughts and feelings.

I have completed my to do list, and then some, and I have actually spent a lot of the day just sitting, listening to the happy sounds of my kids, and reading.  It is nice doing what I want, with no regards to what everyone else is doing.

What is that?

Oh....yeah....it's quiet.  I have forgotten what quiet was like.  Without my phone blinging off and on all day letting me know of a facebook notification, it has been a lot quieter here.  The only thing blinging from my phone is the occasional email, text message, or blackberry message from Nick.  I am quickly getting out of the habit of picking the phone up constantly to look at it.  I caught myself doing it once this morning, and that was really the only time.

Back to the quiet.  Besides the physical quiet, there is also the mental quiet.  The lack of constant distraction has caused me to have to adjust to just being, and just sitting with my thoughts, and it has also made me realize just how not relaxed I am. 

I have also been a lot more productive.  I am still exhausted from thyroid issues that are not quite under control with medication yet, and still doing a "15 minutes of doing followed by 15 minutes of resting" thing, but I have gotten a lot more done.  We have good friends coming in this weekend to stay a few days, and usually by this time I am still rushing around like a madwoman preparing.  The only thing left to do is put fresh sheets on the beds for them tomorrow morning. 

I got done with the items on my to do list, did some more things that were not on my to do list but needed done, and then.....I sat.  In the quiet.  I checked my email from the laptop, played a few minutes of a dopey game, but even that, which usually can suck me in for an hour or more, wasn't quite cutting it for me. 

I thought about reading for a while, but instead I just sat.  In the quiet.

I think I could get used to this quiet thing. 

***DISCLAIMER***
I do have 4 children, so my "quiet" and the quiet of someone who does not have 4 children, or whose children are in school, or.....you get it.  Your mileage may vary on the quiet bit.  But, it was enough for me.

Ash Wednesday

So today has been a crummy day.  Nothing catastrophically big or bad has happened, but it's been one of those days where it is a series of small annoyances that have popped up one after the other after the other.  Nothing insurmountable, but just "one of those days."

What has been surprising to me is how many times I have picked up my phone to check facebook.  I hadn't realized just how much I have been using it as a distraction.  It wasn't that I had the need to post anything, but I found myself reaching for it so that I could read about other peoples days rather than figure out how to positively turn my own day around.  It is a very interesting thing. 

I have discovered that when I am stressed and annoyed about something in my day, I use it as a distraction.  Also, when waiting for my husband to go into a building and pay a bill and come out, my instinct was to reach for it, to fill time and read while waiting. 

I think as a society, with all of the instant technology in our hands, we have forgotten how to wait. 

Ironic.  The Lenten season is all about waiting.  We are waiting for the time that Our Lord died on the cross, and waiting for the time that He was resurrected.  It is a time of listening, and reflecting, and waiting.  I have forgotten how to wait. 

What can I do that is productive during these times I would reach for my phone?  Of course, I can pray.  I can think about the situation I am in and decide to make it as positive an experience as I can.  I can talk to a saint and ask him/her to pray for me.  I can do any number of things.  Or I can wait.  I can just wait quietly and patiently and enjoy the beauty that I am surrounded by, the beauty I often fail to see because of any various number of electronic devices in my hand, the beauty that is hidden by the distractions that I put in front of myself. 

We went to an Ash Wednesday Mass this afternoon.  On our way into the church in the parking lot, we saw one of the priests that is covering our parish while our priest is on a medical leave.  Yesterday, at the pancake supper, Juliette had asked him if priests have to give up stuff for Lent too.  He told her yes, that it wouldn't be right for him to ask us to give something up when he wasn't willing to do that himself.  He came over to us to tell Jules something he had forgotten.  If you are over the age of 59, you are not required to fast during Lent.  But, he told her, he recommended it anyway, because what a beautiful thing it is.  Such words of wisdom.

I am excited to learn to be quiet, and to learn to wait, and to learn just stop and see the beauty of what's around me.

Fat Tuesday

I am setting this blog up to document my Lenten Journey.  The main thing I am giving up for Lent is social media, specifically in the form of Facebook. 

I am excited about this journey and it will be interesting to see how my life changes without the time suck that facebook has become in my life, and without the extra baggage that social media adds.  A friend suggested documenting my 40 days and I think it will be a perfect way to look back and see the path that my journey has taken.  This hiatus will force me to focus on what is in front me, and on the relationships I have that are true interaction with people, not just reading status updates.

I have noticed for myself that as my online social interaction goes up, my personal in life interaction goes down.  It is like the one substitutes for the other.  I don't really think that is a healthy thing, at least not for me.

I have been experiencing some depression and anxiety lately, and I will admit that there have been times that it has been crippling.  I have been feeling very small and insignificant.  Reading about 200 other peoples daily lives, lives that I am not truly a part of, well, that hasn't helped me any.  Realizing that I have a certain number of people on my "friends" list, and then counting how many of those people I actually have interaction with on a daily or even weekly basis, well, that has been eye opening.

I am hoping this experience will open my eyes.  I have people whose lives I influence on a daily basis right in front of me.  First and foremost, my husband and children.  Then there are friends I see on a weekly basis in person, and some I see on a monthly basis.  There are also those that I may not see for years, but who I keep in touch with and talk to on the phone on a regular basis.  There are people I see every week in my class, and people I see every week at church.  I am realizing I need to focus on what I have, rather than on what I don't have, and cultivate those friendships.

It will be interesting to see who I miss reading about.  It will be interesting to see who will miss me.  The best thing about this is that I am doing this for ME.  I started out ramping down, posting less, commenting less, as the day got closer. Then this last week, I have been checking facebook way more often than I used to, getting in that last little bit before I give it up completely.  Now the time is almost here and I am ready.

So, if you choose to follow my journey, I am glad to have you.  If not, if I am the only one reading this, I am alright with that too.  It's all about reflection.  At the end of this 40 day period, I will have had my First Holy Communion, and my Confirmation, and I will be a full member of the Catholic Church.  I know a lot of people don't agree with this choice I have made, and that's okay.  This is my story, and while I am happy to share it, it's all about me.  This is my journey.