One week

It's been one week since starting my facebook fast.  I have learned many things during this time.  I am finding myself closer to my friends, having more meaningful relationships with them, and even though I cherished my friendships before, I am seeing now just how fully those that God has put in my life have nourished and enriched it.  I am very thankful for that.

I am happier in my own skin.  This has been a very cathartic time, and I first thought that without the constant interaction with my "facebook friends" I would feel lonely.  Honestly, I have felt less lonely than I did before.  I am learning to feel my feelings, and think my thoughts, and be comfortable with them.  I am focusing on what I am feeling and doing a lot of soul searching without the distraction.  As I told a dear friend earlier, soul searching can sometimes be painful, emotional, and exhausting.  But the payoff in the end is well worth it.

I am becoming much more productive with my time.  Today I did nothing.  Well, I ate, made sure the kids were fed, and I schooled my children.  Other than that, nothing of major consequence was done.  Instead, I sat on the couch a majority of the rest of the day and read a book.  Before, I could have wasted the same amount of time looking around on facebook, and not felt content with how I spent my time.  Now, even if I slack off on my to-do list, I am okay with that.

I think I am finally learning how to relax.  I didn't realize how keyed up I tend to be, and I think I had forgotten how to relax.  Now, I am feeling less stress and pressure, and relaxing is coming easier and easier.  I know there are a bunch of things I need to eventually get to, appointments to make, things that need taken care of, but none of them are pressing me to the point where I feel so overwhelmed I can't get figure out where to start.  I have slept better in the last few days than I think I have in the last few months. 

This is one of the most stressful times of my life.  After getting medically evacuated out of Iraq, my husband spent 5 months 3 hours away from us getting treated medically, having surgery and doing rehabilitation.  He spent 3 more months doing the same here at home, and then was found medically fit to return to duty.  3 months later, he was found medically unable to continue serving. 

Since then, it has been one long process of waiting and waiting and waiting.  Finally, his official "you are unfit" came back.  I think that was in January.  Now we wait for disability percentage.  This percentage will determine if he will be medically discharged (pat on the butt and a good game) or if he will be medically retired (he will receive a monthly retirement and disability payment, and we get to keep our health insurance and have the ability to get onto military posts for things like the PX and Commissary).  We are also waiting for an end date.  The date he will be done.  There have been job interviews that we are waiting on as well. 

Not having one inkling of what the future holds is incredibly unsettling. I am a planner by nature, and not being able to plan anything is stressful.  Our 20 year plan was cut short by about 8 years, and now we are left scrabbling for a backup plan. 

Despite all of this, I am feeling at peace.  I am confident that the God that has called us to this journey will not leave us uncapable of dealing with it, and He will not leave us alone, but instead will carry us through.  There is nothing to be gained by worrying or fretting.  There is nothing that I can do that is productive about this situation that we are not already doing, and so we sit and wait and I am oddly okay with that too.

The most important thing I have learned? Just to be.