I realize I sort of fell off the grid so to speak for a while. Rather than see that as a negative, it is a positive thing in my life.
So much has happened since I started this blog at the beginning of my Lenten journey. Heck, so much has happened since I last posted a blog.
As the days went by, I found myself less and less dependent on the Internet. It wasn't something I was accustomed to much, since giving up facebook, as facebook was the main reason I was online to begin with. More pressing things were at the forefront of my mind, including my family, my mental and emotional health, and my spiritual life. After my weekend away, it really has felt like everything has sort of started clicking into place for me. It is almost as if my ideals and my life are starting to finally align correctly. I am happier, am enjoying life way more, and am not finding that I need constant distractions to deal with being me.
On the Saturday before Easter, my husband and I received our First Holy Communion, and our Confirmation into the Catholic Church. This is like the pinnacle of the last year and a half of our lives. It was, and is, utterly amazing. I won't get overly religious in this posting, but receiving the Holy Eucharist for the first time (and other times since that day) has been a gift that I cherish and never realized fully how much I longed for it, and how life-changing it is. What is best about it to me: it wasn't just a life-changing experience that has come and gone, it is a life-changing experience each and every time I receive it from now until the end of time.
Another amazing sort of last minute unplanned thing that happened that day: my youngest daughter was baptized. At rehearsal the morning of our special day, I asked our RCIA teacher (a deacon candidate in our church who will be a full deacon by the end of this month) when we could have Evy baptized, how soon after our First Communion and Confirmation. We had asked our priest at the beginning of this journey, but he wanted to wait until we were in full communion with the Church to do it, which I respected. Our teacher told us he would be baptizing his newest granddaughter soon and we could have Evy baptized the same day. As we were getting our crew and our sponsors' crew into our respective vehicles, he came running out of the church and asked if we'd like her baptized that night along with the other RCIA candidates that would be receiving the sacrament of baptism. Our answer, of course, was yes. It worked out wonderfully as our sponsors are also her godparents.
Her godmother and I took her out shopping that afternoon for a special dress, even though Father said she didn't need to wear anything special, just a nice dress. Godmother said it was her right and she wanted Evy to feel like a princess. We found the perfect dress and she came sashaying out of the dressing room and we knew it was the one. (I can't help hoping that she doesn't grow too much between now and her First Communion so she can perhaps wear it again.)
It was a very long service, Easter Vigil, but all the children held up so amazingly well. I have to enter a little back story, when we first told the girls we would be going to the Catholic Church and started our conversion process, my oldest daughter was very upset and cried. During Evelynn's baptism, I look out to where the girls were standing, and there my daughter stood, crying tears of joy and happiness for her sister. Again, amazing. Such a blessed day, right up there with getting married and birthing my daughters.
The Monday after Easter, I went on an unplanned road trip with my sponsor. She is also my friend, one of the very very best, but for this blogs sake, and privacy, she is my sponsor. We went on a pilgrimage. We drove up to the Northern Virginia area, about a 10 hour drive from my house in GA. We went up there as a main reason because her father was ill and in the hospital. It was not a vacation by any means.
We also went to The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. http://www.nationalshrine.com/site/c.osJRKVPBJnH/b.4719297/k.BF65/Home.htm
I was in awe as soon as I walked in the door. Even if you are not Catholic, if you are ever up in D.C. you should go. It is truly amazing. You walk in there and it is just....wow. I really have no words. I saw a woman kneeling at a statue wailing and crying and praying. I have no idea what language she spoke. I saw a man kneeling before another statue, with his forehead pressed to the brass plaque, fervently praying in another unknown to me language. Seeing people kneeling and praying and living their faith is just so incredibly uplifting. (We actually went back on another taking a non-Catholic friend who agreed that anyone of any religious background - or not - would benefit from going.
I also was able to see my father's grave for the second time. It was another emotional time. I told my friend as we drove up that I didn't think I'd cry this time. I was so incredibly wrong. On another day, I was able to visit my oldest brother's grave for the very first time. Another emotional visit. I saw my sister-in-law and my most precious new baby niece. Lastly, I was able to visit my only living brother at his home. I had not seen him in almost 10 years. Another emotional visit, but a very very good one.
Not many can say they received their First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and made their first pilgrimage all within a weeks time. I am truly blessed.
Now, on to facebook. I am back. I have even posted a few times. I will readily admit to checking it pretty regularly, even frequently throughout those first few days. It was almost like it was right back where it started from, except that it isn't. Mostly, I check into some groups I am a part of. I have checked up on people that I missed and wondered about. I have also deleted some people that I did not wonder about (and likely haven't wondered about me) and I will do some more of that. I do not spend loads of time scrolling down various peoples updates to see what 200 other people are doing with their days. I am thinking, now that the novelty of it is over and past, I will just check it once every few days.
All in all, I am a happier and more whole person. I thank all of you who have participated reading during this journey. Thanks for those that thought of me, and especially thanks to those who let me know they were thinking of me.
Not sure what I am going to do with this blog at this point. I am open to suggestions though!
Rustic Altar at St. Augustine
Monday, April 23, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Regarding Facebook
Regarding facebook and whether I will go back to it (since I have been asked):
I am not counting down the days until I can look at facebook again. There are some groups that I miss, and those will probably be the things I look at first, but I have become so unaccustomed to checking it, I am not seeing myself doing it very often. I'm not actually online very often anymore at all. That can all change, it is quick to go back to old habits, but I actually hope that I don't go back to regular daily usage of it. I have thought about my friends list and that will likely get gleaned down again. It will be easier to do that since I know now who I miss and who has missed me and who I truly want to stay in that kind of touch with.
I have gained way too much during this 40 day time period to let it all go back to the way it was. I have truly been able to focus on what is in front of me, and realize how much more important that is in my life rather that what I left behind me.
My plan is to check into my groups maybe 2-3 times a week (these are more intimate and involve people/topics that are near and dear to me) but as for the general facebook, status updates and reading my feed, I just don't have the intention to make that a part of my daily routine. I will likely check in once a week, but I'm going to try to limit it to that. I think it will be easy. I hope it will be easy. I am not eager to change the new life I have adapted anytime soon.
I am not counting down the days until I can look at facebook again. There are some groups that I miss, and those will probably be the things I look at first, but I have become so unaccustomed to checking it, I am not seeing myself doing it very often. I'm not actually online very often anymore at all. That can all change, it is quick to go back to old habits, but I actually hope that I don't go back to regular daily usage of it. I have thought about my friends list and that will likely get gleaned down again. It will be easier to do that since I know now who I miss and who has missed me and who I truly want to stay in that kind of touch with.
I have gained way too much during this 40 day time period to let it all go back to the way it was. I have truly been able to focus on what is in front of me, and realize how much more important that is in my life rather that what I left behind me.
My plan is to check into my groups maybe 2-3 times a week (these are more intimate and involve people/topics that are near and dear to me) but as for the general facebook, status updates and reading my feed, I just don't have the intention to make that a part of my daily routine. I will likely check in once a week, but I'm going to try to limit it to that. I think it will be easy. I hope it will be easy. I am not eager to change the new life I have adapted anytime soon.
Almost There
It is hard to believe that the 40 days are almost over. They truly did feel like they flew by incredibly fast. Lent is almost over and Easter is just in a few days.
It's been a while since I've blogged, partly because things have been pretty hectic here, and partly because I've really had nothing new to say that I haven't said already, and rather than sound like a broken record (which I'm sure I have) I figured it was better to not write at all.
Let's see, what has been up here. We've had a birthday, I think I've blogged since Evy turned 6. Last weekend we had a birthday party for her. For those that know me well, you know I don't usually "do" birthday parties. We usually do a family activity/party, and it doesn't involve decorating or having people over. We gave Evy a bonafide birthday party complete with decorations and guests.
It actually turned out very well. One of the moms asked me why I don't do birthday parties more often, since I do them so well. I laughed and told her it was all the stress leading up to the party. She had a tea party. I spent a majority of the Friday before her party cutting out little tea cups and round circles for the cupcake picks, and little flags that said "eat me" for the tea sandwiches. I made a banner/bunting and decorated. I also spent the morning before her party running out for some extra things that I had forgotten to pick up, and also running around to different grocery stores trying to find a certain kind of cookie. Though the party was a success, when it w
It's been a while since I've blogged, partly because things have been pretty hectic here, and partly because I've really had nothing new to say that I haven't said already, and rather than sound like a broken record (which I'm sure I have) I figured it was better to not write at all.
Let's see, what has been up here. We've had a birthday, I think I've blogged since Evy turned 6. Last weekend we had a birthday party for her. For those that know me well, you know I don't usually "do" birthday parties. We usually do a family activity/party, and it doesn't involve decorating or having people over. We gave Evy a bonafide birthday party complete with decorations and guests.
It actually turned out very well. One of the moms asked me why I don't do birthday parties more often, since I do them so well. I laughed and told her it was all the stress leading up to the party. She had a tea party. I spent a majority of the Friday before her party cutting out little tea cups and round circles for the cupcake picks, and little flags that said "eat me" for the tea sandwiches. I made a banner/bunting and decorated. I also spent the morning before her party running out for some extra things that I had forgotten to pick up, and also running around to different grocery stores trying to find a certain kind of cookie. Though the party was a success, when it w
Monday, March 26, 2012
Family
I want to start off by saying that I know that the word family is not just defined as someone you are related to. I get that. I know that sometimes, many times, people you are not related to become family. I have many family that fall into that category. But for today's blog post, I am referring to the family unit, as in the parents/partners with or without children type of family.
I did use facebook to keep up with family, both the related type and the not related type. It's a great way to keep up with people. I do enjoy reading about my friends and their families and seeing the things that they do as families. It's uplifting to read about family events and celebrations. It's not so good, however, when I am spending too much time reading about others and their families while ignoring what's going on under my own roof. Without the distractions of facebook, I am finding that I am spending more time with my own family. There are no more "wait just a second, I have to check something" or "wait until I am done reading..." going on. That's not to say I am not spending free time doing other things and that I immediately drop what I am doing to meet someone else's needs, but rather, I am less distracted or caught up in someone else's life and am spending more time in the here and now. It has been a wonderful thing.
I had 2 conversations with two different friends today, and in both, we talked about families. Our family seems to be the exception to the rule. We do almost everything together as a family. Nick has the mens group he goes to, and I do go to my crochet group every week (not this week, and I'll get to that in a bit), and it's certainly healthy for parents to take some time out for themselves. I am not blasting anyone who does that. I can really think of only a handful of families that work like this. Families that when a kid has a doctor appointment, or a medical procedure, the entire family goes out to support them. We do have appointments sometimes where one parent stays home with the others, but we have had many many more where we all go together. We do grocery shopping together. We go to the library together. We spend time fostering our relationships together.
What seems to be the norm nowadays is that the parents have their activities, and the kids have their individual activities, and never the twain shall meet. The surprising place I see this happen is at church. My older three daughters will be having their First Holy Communion in May. This past Saturday, a planned activity (since the beginning of classes in September) was a quilt square day. The kids were to come in with at least one parent, and work on their quilt squares for First Communion. I didn't really feel like getting up early on a Saturday, but it was something important. I was not the only parent there, there were others, but there were also kids that were just dropped off. Yes, these kids were old enough to do it alone, and there were several teachers there to supervise, but the lack of parental involvement astonished me.
I asked if I could take home 3 extra squares (for Nick, Evy and myself) so that when they are complete, we can make a wall hanging from them to place over our home altar space. Immediately designs and several extra squares were given to me. The teachers were elated at the idea. In the past, they had tried to do family wall hangings, even giving the parents everything they needed to do it at home in their own time, and it ended up a disaster with no one participating. It really makes me sad to think about that.
This Sunday, Nick and I subbed in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade class. It was an honor, and a blessing, and really, a wonderful way to start the week. Honestly, if it ended up being a class full of trouble makers and I only answered one child's question, it would have been full worth it. That wasn't the case. I walked out of there feeling really blessed to be able to take part in teaching those children.
Our classes at church are called Faith Formation classes. I really thought about that and touched upon it in my teaching. Our faith is not something we should live just one day a week. It is something that needs to grow and develop, starting from a young age, that will be with us every day of our lives. I have often said that I don't want to "have faith," rather, I want to LIVE my faith. We talked about faith, and what our faith is. We talked about formation and what it meant. We are helping these kids, and all the teachers are, to form their faith. We are teaching them to understand their faith and how to use it every day to keep it alive.
On a side note, a friend asked me today if there was any difference between teaching a kids class at the Catholic Church and when I taught class at a protestant church. It made me think. What was different? I have taught many lessons on Bible stories. You name it, I have probably taught about it. Or ideas/concepts that go along with Christianity, Love Thy Neighbor, Be Respectful to Others, even if you don't like them, Being Good Stewards, etc etc etc. In this class, we taught our FAITH. The tenets of what we believe in as Catholics. We are teaching kids to know why they believe what they believe, and how to use that to not only grow their Faith and share it with others, but also to defend their Faith. Please, no matter what religion you are, please please please understand and learn why you believe what you believe, and teach it to your children. You are doing yourself and your kids a major disservice if you don't.
One of the things I love most about attending Mass is that we attend it together as a family. I am used to the kids going off to their classrooms (which mine still do, but it is between Masses, not during a Mass) and the adults go off to the service, and you get together after service, ask your kid what they learned and move on until the next week. That has been the norm in every church I have attended up until the decision to convert. We go to Mass together, sometimes all squished into a small pew, but we hear and experience and see and read the same things. Even Evy has a book that follows along what it going on and she is pretty good at keeping up with what we are doing and turning to that page in her book.
We get many many comments on how well the kids are behaved, how they are polite, etc. They get praised often for their actions. They sometimes get confused wondering what they are doing that deserves such praise, what are other kids doing that is so different. I think for us, it is because we are a very close-knit family, and we talk a lot about our faith, and how to carry it every day.
Now, for the crochet group. My kids have been model kids outside of our home for a long time. At home, lately, things have gone down the tubes. People are not being polite to one another, getting attitudes and ugly tones with siblings (I know it is considered old-fashioned, but I do NOT tolerate name-calling or insulting family members.) Chore are being ignored in favor of doing what a kid wants rather than do what they are supposed. The chores that are getting done are not being done correctly, just barely to the minimal standard. Things they were being asked to do were answered with complaint. I know we've had some rough times lately, and I know that last week particularly was very hectic with a lot of running around. I am a homebody, and going out to an appointment every day was hard for me and left me exhausted and crabby. I decided to skip my group and stay home so we could have some family time and a family meeting to discuss.
Everything fell in three categories, Thoughts, Words, and Deeds/Actions. We talked about them. We were honest. We admitted where we had gone wrong. We did this in a constructive manner, no scolding or reprimanding were necessary. We talked as parents, and listened to the girls and their opinions and thoughts. Sometimes, even close families need a powwow to regroup. That is what we did.
Today has been much more pleasant. People are being respectful of each other, jobs have gotten done, even volunteering for jobs that no one wants to do. People who would normally cry over the thought of doing something overwhelming took a moment to step back, approached it in a more productive manner, and got it done. The best part? We did it together. Everyone chipped in and everything that needed to get done got done. We are a pretty cohesive family, but sometimes we need to re-shoot the azimuth and have a fresh start.
I know this will wear off in time, as we get back into everything becoming routine again, but then we can have another meeting and discuss it. We will do it together, as a family. Every family goes through on and off or in and out times. What do you do with your family to foster your sense of togetherness, especially when things seem like they are falling apart? I'd love to hear what you do to regroup.
I did use facebook to keep up with family, both the related type and the not related type. It's a great way to keep up with people. I do enjoy reading about my friends and their families and seeing the things that they do as families. It's uplifting to read about family events and celebrations. It's not so good, however, when I am spending too much time reading about others and their families while ignoring what's going on under my own roof. Without the distractions of facebook, I am finding that I am spending more time with my own family. There are no more "wait just a second, I have to check something" or "wait until I am done reading..." going on. That's not to say I am not spending free time doing other things and that I immediately drop what I am doing to meet someone else's needs, but rather, I am less distracted or caught up in someone else's life and am spending more time in the here and now. It has been a wonderful thing.
I had 2 conversations with two different friends today, and in both, we talked about families. Our family seems to be the exception to the rule. We do almost everything together as a family. Nick has the mens group he goes to, and I do go to my crochet group every week (not this week, and I'll get to that in a bit), and it's certainly healthy for parents to take some time out for themselves. I am not blasting anyone who does that. I can really think of only a handful of families that work like this. Families that when a kid has a doctor appointment, or a medical procedure, the entire family goes out to support them. We do have appointments sometimes where one parent stays home with the others, but we have had many many more where we all go together. We do grocery shopping together. We go to the library together. We spend time fostering our relationships together.
What seems to be the norm nowadays is that the parents have their activities, and the kids have their individual activities, and never the twain shall meet. The surprising place I see this happen is at church. My older three daughters will be having their First Holy Communion in May. This past Saturday, a planned activity (since the beginning of classes in September) was a quilt square day. The kids were to come in with at least one parent, and work on their quilt squares for First Communion. I didn't really feel like getting up early on a Saturday, but it was something important. I was not the only parent there, there were others, but there were also kids that were just dropped off. Yes, these kids were old enough to do it alone, and there were several teachers there to supervise, but the lack of parental involvement astonished me.
I asked if I could take home 3 extra squares (for Nick, Evy and myself) so that when they are complete, we can make a wall hanging from them to place over our home altar space. Immediately designs and several extra squares were given to me. The teachers were elated at the idea. In the past, they had tried to do family wall hangings, even giving the parents everything they needed to do it at home in their own time, and it ended up a disaster with no one participating. It really makes me sad to think about that.
This Sunday, Nick and I subbed in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade class. It was an honor, and a blessing, and really, a wonderful way to start the week. Honestly, if it ended up being a class full of trouble makers and I only answered one child's question, it would have been full worth it. That wasn't the case. I walked out of there feeling really blessed to be able to take part in teaching those children.
Our classes at church are called Faith Formation classes. I really thought about that and touched upon it in my teaching. Our faith is not something we should live just one day a week. It is something that needs to grow and develop, starting from a young age, that will be with us every day of our lives. I have often said that I don't want to "have faith," rather, I want to LIVE my faith. We talked about faith, and what our faith is. We talked about formation and what it meant. We are helping these kids, and all the teachers are, to form their faith. We are teaching them to understand their faith and how to use it every day to keep it alive.
On a side note, a friend asked me today if there was any difference between teaching a kids class at the Catholic Church and when I taught class at a protestant church. It made me think. What was different? I have taught many lessons on Bible stories. You name it, I have probably taught about it. Or ideas/concepts that go along with Christianity, Love Thy Neighbor, Be Respectful to Others, even if you don't like them, Being Good Stewards, etc etc etc. In this class, we taught our FAITH. The tenets of what we believe in as Catholics. We are teaching kids to know why they believe what they believe, and how to use that to not only grow their Faith and share it with others, but also to defend their Faith. Please, no matter what religion you are, please please please understand and learn why you believe what you believe, and teach it to your children. You are doing yourself and your kids a major disservice if you don't.
One of the things I love most about attending Mass is that we attend it together as a family. I am used to the kids going off to their classrooms (which mine still do, but it is between Masses, not during a Mass) and the adults go off to the service, and you get together after service, ask your kid what they learned and move on until the next week. That has been the norm in every church I have attended up until the decision to convert. We go to Mass together, sometimes all squished into a small pew, but we hear and experience and see and read the same things. Even Evy has a book that follows along what it going on and she is pretty good at keeping up with what we are doing and turning to that page in her book.
We get many many comments on how well the kids are behaved, how they are polite, etc. They get praised often for their actions. They sometimes get confused wondering what they are doing that deserves such praise, what are other kids doing that is so different. I think for us, it is because we are a very close-knit family, and we talk a lot about our faith, and how to carry it every day.
Now, for the crochet group. My kids have been model kids outside of our home for a long time. At home, lately, things have gone down the tubes. People are not being polite to one another, getting attitudes and ugly tones with siblings (I know it is considered old-fashioned, but I do NOT tolerate name-calling or insulting family members.) Chore are being ignored in favor of doing what a kid wants rather than do what they are supposed. The chores that are getting done are not being done correctly, just barely to the minimal standard. Things they were being asked to do were answered with complaint. I know we've had some rough times lately, and I know that last week particularly was very hectic with a lot of running around. I am a homebody, and going out to an appointment every day was hard for me and left me exhausted and crabby. I decided to skip my group and stay home so we could have some family time and a family meeting to discuss.
Everything fell in three categories, Thoughts, Words, and Deeds/Actions. We talked about them. We were honest. We admitted where we had gone wrong. We did this in a constructive manner, no scolding or reprimanding were necessary. We talked as parents, and listened to the girls and their opinions and thoughts. Sometimes, even close families need a powwow to regroup. That is what we did.
Today has been much more pleasant. People are being respectful of each other, jobs have gotten done, even volunteering for jobs that no one wants to do. People who would normally cry over the thought of doing something overwhelming took a moment to step back, approached it in a more productive manner, and got it done. The best part? We did it together. Everyone chipped in and everything that needed to get done got done. We are a pretty cohesive family, but sometimes we need to re-shoot the azimuth and have a fresh start.
I know this will wear off in time, as we get back into everything becoming routine again, but then we can have another meeting and discuss it. We will do it together, as a family. Every family goes through on and off or in and out times. What do you do with your family to foster your sense of togetherness, especially when things seem like they are falling apart? I'd love to hear what you do to regroup.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Happy Birthday!
Today was Evy's 6th birthday. I still cannot believe that my "baby" is now six years old. According to her, it was "the best birthday ever" which makes me very happy.
We didn't do a whole ton, but we all made sure to make her day very special. She opened up her presents, including some very sweet hand-made presents by her sisters. The angel key chain, our family in paper dolls, and a mini-book on all the things a girl should do on her birthday were her favorite gifts. She also quite enjoyed the birthday calls from friends and family, although she is not much of a phone talker. When I asked her why, she said, "I'm just a little bit nervous about being six."
On birthdays at our house, the birthday kid/adult gets to pick what they want for dinner. As Catholics, we don't eat meat on Fridays (this is common during Lent, but we actually abstain from meat on all Fridays for the most part) so her choices were a little bit limited. She ended up choosing Belgian waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. They even had root beer to drink, which any kind of carbonated drink is a HUGE treat in our house.
We also usually make our own birthday cakes, but she wanted a "store cake, no offense" (her words) so we got her a bakery cake, and added some decorations. The colors were pink, purple, and green, perfect for a six year old princess.
After cake and ice cream (chocolate chip cookie dough, no less) we had a nail painting night. One of the girls has a nail painting design book, so the girls all chose the ones they wanted and we went through processes of painting and drying (Nick was in charge of the drying station) for the entirety of the evening. We ended up with zebra print, yin-yang, flowers and vines, and fireworks (which ended up looking more like roses and leaves). Very festive nails in our house.
And now, everyone is tucked into bed and all is quiet. I suspect a big part of it is the sugar crash from all of the sweet treats tonight.
Even though it was a low key kind of birthday, I am so glad that my little princess had a wonderful day. I am so incredibly thankful for my family, and for the time that we spend together having fun and making awesome memories.
We didn't do a whole ton, but we all made sure to make her day very special. She opened up her presents, including some very sweet hand-made presents by her sisters. The angel key chain, our family in paper dolls, and a mini-book on all the things a girl should do on her birthday were her favorite gifts. She also quite enjoyed the birthday calls from friends and family, although she is not much of a phone talker. When I asked her why, she said, "I'm just a little bit nervous about being six."
On birthdays at our house, the birthday kid/adult gets to pick what they want for dinner. As Catholics, we don't eat meat on Fridays (this is common during Lent, but we actually abstain from meat on all Fridays for the most part) so her choices were a little bit limited. She ended up choosing Belgian waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. They even had root beer to drink, which any kind of carbonated drink is a HUGE treat in our house.
We also usually make our own birthday cakes, but she wanted a "store cake, no offense" (her words) so we got her a bakery cake, and added some decorations. The colors were pink, purple, and green, perfect for a six year old princess.
After cake and ice cream (chocolate chip cookie dough, no less) we had a nail painting night. One of the girls has a nail painting design book, so the girls all chose the ones they wanted and we went through processes of painting and drying (Nick was in charge of the drying station) for the entirety of the evening. We ended up with zebra print, yin-yang, flowers and vines, and fireworks (which ended up looking more like roses and leaves). Very festive nails in our house.
And now, everyone is tucked into bed and all is quiet. I suspect a big part of it is the sugar crash from all of the sweet treats tonight.
Even though it was a low key kind of birthday, I am so glad that my little princess had a wonderful day. I am so incredibly thankful for my family, and for the time that we spend together having fun and making awesome memories.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Ivy Hope
What I have to share is something that most people who know me don't know about. It is a topic that some might find a little morbid, but I still need to share.
I will make a very long story as short as I can. My last pregnancy was a total surprise. We weren't sure if we were going to have any more children, and after some trauma to my uterus with my 3rd, I was warned that a 4th child could be dangerous. I found out I was pregnant when we were preparing for my husband's first deployment to Iraq. It was not my timing, and I was terrified at how I would handle everything alone. Still, it was welcome and a beautiful gift.
I went in early on to see the doctor because I was having some cramping. The ultrasound showed 2 babies. We were having twins! I was shocked, but still joyous. I was to come back in the next week after some blood work to check levels. We were excited, and we chose names for girl/girl, boy/boy, and girl/boy. Evelynn (Evy) and Ivy. Ethan and Nathan. Evelynn and Ethan.
The next week I went in as planned and was told the numbers didn't look good. A quick portable ultrasound showed that the entire pregnancy, both babies, were "not viable." A rude, callous doctor shoved a box of tissues at me, now crying, saying I shouldn't be sad because I was lucky to have 3 living children at home, and started quoting statistics at me that 1 out of every x number of pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so I was basically a statistic and with having 3 healthy pregnancies, it was just "my turn" to have this happen.
Really long story short, after being told about the D&C I would require, they sent me to radiology for a clearer ultrasound to "confirm their findings" and I went home (I was alone, with hubby at home with the other girls) and picked up my rock and support, dropped the girls at the neighbors, and we headed back for the devastating confirmation.
I did not want to look at the screen and see my "not viable" babies, so I turned my head. Through my tears, I heard Nick say, "Is that what I think it is?" and the tech said to wait just a moment and she would explain. She asked me to look at the screen and I remember telling her that I couldn't do it. She told me I needed to see this, so I looked and there was one baby, not living, and one baby with a beating heart. She printed out that picture, with the little waves at the bottom that showed a heartbeat, and told me to take it back to my doctor. I did, and he just said, "Well, sometimes things work out for the better."
So, how do you grieve for a lost child, when you still have one in your womb, heart beating, growing and thriving? The short answer, at least for me, is you don't. You are happy and relieved and grateful and thankful.
How, when that child is born, and despite complications, is alive and well and healthy, do you mourn for the baby that wasn't along side of her? Again, for me, you don't.
We went on with life, and while I still felt like someone was missing, I just pushed that feeling aside and was happy with the gifts I was given. Evy was a miracle, there is no doubt about that in my mind. I clung to that and anything else fell by the wayside.
I didn't know that I had to grieve and mourn. It wasn't something we talked much about. When All Souls Day rolled around last year, we talked to the girls about it, and we had a chart where we put the names of lost loved ones. A family member had experienced a miscarriage, and we put that name on the chart. Questions were asked on whether we had ever experienced something like that, and that is when we told the girls about Ivy.
During my recent journey, I had time to grieve and mourn. I had more inside of me than I knew was even there, and it felt so good to let it out. Ivy was memorialized, and I have a certificate of life with her name on it: Ivy Hope. We planned to tell the girls, but hadn't yet found a time.
Yesterday, part of Evy's school work was reading about the Lazarus story from the Bible. We talked about how death is not death, but a change in life, and how, when we live as images of God, our souls are separated from our bodies, but our souls continue to live on in Heaven. We talked about how people we have lost are in Heaven. She started crying and out of her precious little mouth came the words "I miss my twin!"
I decided it was as good a time as any to talk to the girls about the memorial. I showed Evy the little angel I was given in her sister's memory, and she held it and hugged it and cried, mourning her sister. Everyone shed some tears, and we decided school was done for the day as we were all too emotional to carry on. Hannah remarked that it was amazing that Evy felt such a connection to someone she had never known. Sophia said, "But she did know her. They were in Mommy's womb together." How right she is.
Ivy Hope has not breathed in a single breath on this earth, and I have never held her or kissed her, but she is very much alive, and I know she is looking down on us and watching over us and I know a day will come when we will be reunited with her. I do believe that Ivy gave up her life so that her sister could live and grow and thrive, and I will always thank her for that sacrifice.
I will make a very long story as short as I can. My last pregnancy was a total surprise. We weren't sure if we were going to have any more children, and after some trauma to my uterus with my 3rd, I was warned that a 4th child could be dangerous. I found out I was pregnant when we were preparing for my husband's first deployment to Iraq. It was not my timing, and I was terrified at how I would handle everything alone. Still, it was welcome and a beautiful gift.
I went in early on to see the doctor because I was having some cramping. The ultrasound showed 2 babies. We were having twins! I was shocked, but still joyous. I was to come back in the next week after some blood work to check levels. We were excited, and we chose names for girl/girl, boy/boy, and girl/boy. Evelynn (Evy) and Ivy. Ethan and Nathan. Evelynn and Ethan.
The next week I went in as planned and was told the numbers didn't look good. A quick portable ultrasound showed that the entire pregnancy, both babies, were "not viable." A rude, callous doctor shoved a box of tissues at me, now crying, saying I shouldn't be sad because I was lucky to have 3 living children at home, and started quoting statistics at me that 1 out of every x number of pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so I was basically a statistic and with having 3 healthy pregnancies, it was just "my turn" to have this happen.
Really long story short, after being told about the D&C I would require, they sent me to radiology for a clearer ultrasound to "confirm their findings" and I went home (I was alone, with hubby at home with the other girls) and picked up my rock and support, dropped the girls at the neighbors, and we headed back for the devastating confirmation.
I did not want to look at the screen and see my "not viable" babies, so I turned my head. Through my tears, I heard Nick say, "Is that what I think it is?" and the tech said to wait just a moment and she would explain. She asked me to look at the screen and I remember telling her that I couldn't do it. She told me I needed to see this, so I looked and there was one baby, not living, and one baby with a beating heart. She printed out that picture, with the little waves at the bottom that showed a heartbeat, and told me to take it back to my doctor. I did, and he just said, "Well, sometimes things work out for the better."
So, how do you grieve for a lost child, when you still have one in your womb, heart beating, growing and thriving? The short answer, at least for me, is you don't. You are happy and relieved and grateful and thankful.
How, when that child is born, and despite complications, is alive and well and healthy, do you mourn for the baby that wasn't along side of her? Again, for me, you don't.
We went on with life, and while I still felt like someone was missing, I just pushed that feeling aside and was happy with the gifts I was given. Evy was a miracle, there is no doubt about that in my mind. I clung to that and anything else fell by the wayside.
I didn't know that I had to grieve and mourn. It wasn't something we talked much about. When All Souls Day rolled around last year, we talked to the girls about it, and we had a chart where we put the names of lost loved ones. A family member had experienced a miscarriage, and we put that name on the chart. Questions were asked on whether we had ever experienced something like that, and that is when we told the girls about Ivy.
During my recent journey, I had time to grieve and mourn. I had more inside of me than I knew was even there, and it felt so good to let it out. Ivy was memorialized, and I have a certificate of life with her name on it: Ivy Hope. We planned to tell the girls, but hadn't yet found a time.
Yesterday, part of Evy's school work was reading about the Lazarus story from the Bible. We talked about how death is not death, but a change in life, and how, when we live as images of God, our souls are separated from our bodies, but our souls continue to live on in Heaven. We talked about how people we have lost are in Heaven. She started crying and out of her precious little mouth came the words "I miss my twin!"
I decided it was as good a time as any to talk to the girls about the memorial. I showed Evy the little angel I was given in her sister's memory, and she held it and hugged it and cried, mourning her sister. Everyone shed some tears, and we decided school was done for the day as we were all too emotional to carry on. Hannah remarked that it was amazing that Evy felt such a connection to someone she had never known. Sophia said, "But she did know her. They were in Mommy's womb together." How right she is.
Ivy Hope has not breathed in a single breath on this earth, and I have never held her or kissed her, but she is very much alive, and I know she is looking down on us and watching over us and I know a day will come when we will be reunited with her. I do believe that Ivy gave up her life so that her sister could live and grow and thrive, and I will always thank her for that sacrifice.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
When I miss facebook
I can actually say for the first time since I gave up facebook that there is a time I really wish I was on it. Pinterest is coming in handy for coming up with ideas, but I miss my crafty tried and true friends on facebook today.
The reason? A birthday party. Miss E is turning six on Friday. I cannot believe she has gotten this big already. She's my "baby" and my last, and I just cannot believe that almost 6 whole years have flown by since she came into my life.
She hasn't had a birthday party ever. We are "mean parents" and we just don't do a lot of parties. There was a time in Texas, where all the neighbors in our little row were friends and all the kids were friends, and it seemed like every month there was a party. I hadn't really been big into birthday parties before that time, other than family parties. I think before we lived in TX, Hannah had only had 1 party and that was her first birthday, and only family was there. In Texas, with all our friends, there were plenty of birthday parties and themes and the older three girls had parties. Poor Evy came in on the back end of our time there, and I think she had one party there, for her first birthday. All our neighbors in that row felt like family, so to us, it was a family party.
By the time we got to Georgia, I was partied out. That and living in a new place and not knowing a lot of people, parties just weren't a big priority. J did have a party here, but it was just neighbor kids that we invited. I had invited whole families from our neighborhood, hoping it would be a good time for us parents to meet and have a good time, but only the kids ended up coming.
Even after we got to know people, parties just didn't happen. Instead, deployment, injuries, surgeries, etc. happened. With having a larger family (I say larger because 4 kids doesn't feel like a large family to me, but other people perceive our family to be large, so I say "larger"), parties also become expensive. Shindigs 4 times a year add up to big bucks.
What we usually do to celebrate a birthday is an activity of the birthday kids choice (bowling, dinner/lunch out, etc) and the birthday girl gets to choose what dinner they want. We do present opening and pictures with cake also, just a little family celebration.
Well, Evy really really wants a birthday party. I told her that her friends may not be able to come. She is totally fine with that and doesn't mind if it is just our family, but she really wants a tea party. Already having 4 kids, we have enough people for a party on our own. Her back up plan was a surprise party.
So I have been planning her surprise tea party birthday party on the sly. I invited 4 little girls her age, and so far have gotten 3 yeses and a maybe. I am planning activities and decorating and foods. Not a problem, I can handle this. But I do miss being able to post on facebook "hey, does anyone have any ideas for this?" and getting a ton of replies with ideas and recipes. As I said before, pinterest has come in quite handy, as well as google, but I do miss my go to people for things like this.
Despite figuring it all out on my own, I do think it is going to be a wonderful party for her remember her special day by.
The reason? A birthday party. Miss E is turning six on Friday. I cannot believe she has gotten this big already. She's my "baby" and my last, and I just cannot believe that almost 6 whole years have flown by since she came into my life.
She hasn't had a birthday party ever. We are "mean parents" and we just don't do a lot of parties. There was a time in Texas, where all the neighbors in our little row were friends and all the kids were friends, and it seemed like every month there was a party. I hadn't really been big into birthday parties before that time, other than family parties. I think before we lived in TX, Hannah had only had 1 party and that was her first birthday, and only family was there. In Texas, with all our friends, there were plenty of birthday parties and themes and the older three girls had parties. Poor Evy came in on the back end of our time there, and I think she had one party there, for her first birthday. All our neighbors in that row felt like family, so to us, it was a family party.
By the time we got to Georgia, I was partied out. That and living in a new place and not knowing a lot of people, parties just weren't a big priority. J did have a party here, but it was just neighbor kids that we invited. I had invited whole families from our neighborhood, hoping it would be a good time for us parents to meet and have a good time, but only the kids ended up coming.
Even after we got to know people, parties just didn't happen. Instead, deployment, injuries, surgeries, etc. happened. With having a larger family (I say larger because 4 kids doesn't feel like a large family to me, but other people perceive our family to be large, so I say "larger"), parties also become expensive. Shindigs 4 times a year add up to big bucks.
What we usually do to celebrate a birthday is an activity of the birthday kids choice (bowling, dinner/lunch out, etc) and the birthday girl gets to choose what dinner they want. We do present opening and pictures with cake also, just a little family celebration.
Well, Evy really really wants a birthday party. I told her that her friends may not be able to come. She is totally fine with that and doesn't mind if it is just our family, but she really wants a tea party. Already having 4 kids, we have enough people for a party on our own. Her back up plan was a surprise party.
So I have been planning her surprise tea party birthday party on the sly. I invited 4 little girls her age, and so far have gotten 3 yeses and a maybe. I am planning activities and decorating and foods. Not a problem, I can handle this. But I do miss being able to post on facebook "hey, does anyone have any ideas for this?" and getting a ton of replies with ideas and recipes. As I said before, pinterest has come in quite handy, as well as google, but I do miss my go to people for things like this.
Despite figuring it all out on my own, I do think it is going to be a wonderful party for her remember her special day by.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)