Family

I want to start off by saying that I know that the word family is not just defined as someone you are related to.  I get that.  I know that sometimes, many times, people you are not related to become family.  I have many family that fall into that category.  But for today's blog post, I am referring to the family unit, as in the parents/partners with or without children type of family.

I did use facebook to keep up with family, both the related type and the not related type.  It's a great way to keep up with people.  I do enjoy reading about my friends and their families and seeing the things that they do as families.  It's uplifting to read about family events and celebrations.  It's not so good, however, when I am spending too much time reading about others and their families while ignoring what's going on under my own roof.  Without the distractions of facebook, I am finding that I am spending more time with my own family.  There are no more "wait just a second, I have to check something" or "wait until I am done reading..." going on.  That's not to say I am not spending free time doing other things and that I immediately drop what I am doing to meet someone else's needs, but rather, I am less distracted or caught up in someone else's life and am spending more time in the here and now.  It has been a wonderful thing.

I had 2 conversations with two different friends today, and in both, we talked about families.  Our family seems to be the exception to the rule.  We do almost everything together as a family.  Nick has the mens group he goes to, and I do go to my crochet group every week (not this week, and I'll get to that in a bit), and it's certainly healthy for parents to take some time out for themselves.  I am not blasting anyone who does that.  I can really think of only a handful of families that work like this.  Families that when a kid has a doctor appointment, or a medical procedure, the entire family goes out to support them.  We do have appointments sometimes where one parent stays home with the others, but we have had many many more where we all go together.  We do grocery shopping together.  We go to the library together.  We spend time fostering our relationships together.

What seems to be the norm nowadays is that the parents have their activities, and the kids have their individual activities, and never the twain shall meet.  The surprising place I see this happen is at church.  My older three daughters will be having their First Holy Communion in May.  This past Saturday, a planned activity (since the beginning of classes in September) was a quilt square day.  The kids were to come in with at least one parent, and work on their quilt squares for First Communion.  I didn't really feel like getting up early on a Saturday, but it was something important.  I was not the only parent there, there were others, but there were also kids that were just dropped off.  Yes, these kids were old enough to do it alone, and there were several teachers there to supervise, but the lack of parental involvement astonished me.

I asked if I could take home 3 extra squares (for Nick, Evy and myself) so that when they are complete, we can make a wall hanging from them to place over our home altar space.  Immediately designs and several extra squares were given to me.  The teachers were elated at the idea.  In the past, they had tried to do family wall hangings, even giving the parents everything they needed to do it at home in their own time, and it ended up a disaster with no one participating.  It really makes me sad to think about that.

This Sunday, Nick and I subbed in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade class.  It was an honor, and a blessing, and really, a wonderful way to start the week.  Honestly, if it ended up being a class full of trouble makers and I only answered one child's question, it would have been full worth it.  That wasn't the case.  I walked out of there feeling really blessed to be able to take part in teaching those children. 

Our classes at church are called Faith Formation classes.  I really thought about that and touched upon it in my teaching.  Our faith is not something we should live just one day a week.  It is something that needs to grow and develop, starting from a young age, that will be with us every day of our lives.  I have often said that I don't want to "have faith," rather, I want to LIVE my faith.  We talked about faith, and what our faith is.  We talked about formation and what it meant.  We are helping these kids, and all the teachers are, to form their faith.  We are teaching them to understand their faith and how to use it every day to keep it alive.

On a side note, a friend asked me today if there was any difference between teaching a kids class at the Catholic Church and when I taught class at a protestant church.  It made me think.  What was different?  I have taught many lessons on Bible stories.  You name it, I have probably taught about it.  Or ideas/concepts that go along with Christianity, Love Thy Neighbor, Be Respectful to Others, even if you don't like them, Being Good Stewards, etc etc etc.  In this class, we taught our FAITH.  The tenets of what we believe in as Catholics.  We are teaching kids to know why they believe what they believe, and how to use that to not only grow their Faith and share it with others, but also to defend their Faith.  Please, no matter what religion you are, please please please understand and learn why you believe what you believe, and teach it to your children.  You are doing yourself and your kids a major disservice if you don't.

One of the things I love most about attending Mass is that we attend it together as a family.  I am used to the kids going off to their classrooms (which mine still do, but it is between Masses, not during a Mass) and the adults go off to the service, and you get together after service, ask your kid what they learned and move on until the next week.  That has been the norm in every church I have attended up until the decision to convert.  We go to Mass together, sometimes all squished into a small pew, but we hear and experience and see and read the same things.  Even Evy has a book that follows along what it going on and she is pretty good at keeping up with what we are doing and turning to that page in her book. 

We get many many comments on how well the kids are behaved, how they are polite, etc.  They get praised often for their actions.  They sometimes get confused wondering what they are doing that deserves such praise, what are other kids doing that is so different.  I think for us, it is because we are a very close-knit family, and we talk a lot about our faith, and how to carry it every day.

Now, for the crochet group.  My kids have been model kids outside of our home for a long time.  At home, lately, things have gone down the tubes.  People are not being polite to one another, getting attitudes and ugly tones with siblings (I know it is considered old-fashioned, but I do NOT tolerate name-calling or insulting family members.)  Chore are being ignored in favor of doing what a kid wants rather than do what they are supposed.  The chores that are getting done are not being done correctly, just barely to the minimal standard.  Things they were being asked to do were answered with complaint.  I know we've had some rough times lately, and I know that last week particularly was very hectic with a lot of running around.  I am a homebody, and going out to an appointment every day was hard for me and left me exhausted and crabby.  I decided to skip my group and stay home so we could have some family time and a family meeting to discuss.

Everything fell in three categories, Thoughts, Words, and Deeds/Actions.  We talked about them.  We were honest.  We admitted where we had gone wrong.  We did this in a constructive manner, no scolding or reprimanding were necessary.  We talked as parents, and listened to the girls and their opinions and thoughts.  Sometimes, even close families need a powwow to regroup.  That is what we did.

Today has been much more pleasant.  People are being respectful of each other, jobs have gotten done, even volunteering for jobs that no one wants to do.  People who would normally cry over the thought of doing something overwhelming took a moment to step back, approached it in a more productive manner, and got it done.  The best part?  We did it together.  Everyone chipped in and everything that needed to get done got done.  We are a pretty cohesive family, but sometimes we need to re-shoot the azimuth and have a fresh start.

I know this will wear off in time, as we get back into everything becoming routine again, but then we can have another meeting and discuss it.  We will do it together, as a family.  Every family goes through on and off or in and out times.  What do you do with your family to foster your sense of togetherness, especially when things seem like they are falling apart?  I'd love to hear what you do to regroup. 

Happy Birthday!

Today was Evy's 6th birthday.  I still cannot believe that my "baby" is now six years old.  According to her, it was "the best birthday ever" which makes me very happy.

We didn't do a whole ton, but we all made sure to make her day very special.  She opened up her presents, including some very sweet hand-made presents by her sisters.  The angel key chain, our family in paper dolls, and a mini-book on all the things a girl should do on her birthday were her favorite gifts.  She also quite enjoyed the birthday calls from friends and family, although she is not much of a phone talker.  When I asked her why, she said, "I'm just a little bit nervous about being six."

On birthdays at our house, the birthday kid/adult gets to pick what they want for dinner.  As Catholics, we don't eat meat on Fridays (this is common during Lent, but we actually abstain from meat on all Fridays for the most part) so her choices were a little bit limited.  She ended up choosing Belgian waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream.  They even had root beer to drink, which any kind of carbonated drink is a HUGE treat in our house.

We also usually make our own birthday cakes, but she wanted a "store cake, no offense" (her words) so we got her a bakery cake, and added some decorations.  The colors were pink, purple, and green, perfect for a six year old princess.

After cake and ice cream (chocolate chip cookie dough, no less) we had a nail painting night.  One of the girls has a nail painting design book, so the girls all chose the ones they wanted and we went through processes of painting and drying (Nick was in charge of the drying station) for the entirety of the evening.  We ended up with zebra print, yin-yang, flowers and vines, and fireworks (which ended up looking more like roses and leaves).  Very festive nails in our house.

And now, everyone is tucked into bed and all is quiet.  I suspect a big part of it is the sugar crash from all of the sweet treats tonight.

Even though it was a low key kind of birthday, I am so glad that my little princess had a wonderful day.  I am so incredibly thankful for my family, and for the time that we spend together having fun and making awesome memories. 

Ivy Hope

What I have to share is something that most people who know me don't know about.  It is a topic that some might find a little morbid, but I still need to share.

I will make a very long story as short as I can.  My last pregnancy was a total surprise.  We weren't sure if we were going to have any more children, and after some trauma to my uterus with my 3rd, I was warned that a 4th child could be dangerous.  I found out I was pregnant when we were preparing for my husband's first deployment to Iraq.  It was not my timing, and I was terrified at how I would handle everything alone.  Still, it was welcome and a beautiful gift.

I went in early on to see the doctor because I was having some cramping.  The ultrasound showed 2 babies.  We were having twins!  I was shocked, but still joyous.  I was to come back in the next week after some blood work to check levels.  We were excited, and we chose names for girl/girl, boy/boy, and girl/boy.  Evelynn (Evy) and Ivy.  Ethan and Nathan.  Evelynn and Ethan. 

The next week I went in as planned and was told the numbers didn't look good.  A quick portable ultrasound showed that the entire pregnancy, both babies, were "not viable."  A rude, callous doctor shoved a box of tissues at me, now crying, saying I shouldn't be sad because I was lucky to have 3 living children at home, and started quoting statistics at me that 1 out of every x number of pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so I was basically a statistic and with having 3 healthy pregnancies, it was just "my turn" to have this happen.

Really long story short, after being told about the D&C I would require, they sent me to radiology for a clearer ultrasound to "confirm their findings" and I went home (I was alone, with hubby at home with the other girls) and picked up my rock and support, dropped the girls at the neighbors, and we headed back for the devastating confirmation.

I did not want to look at the screen and see my "not viable" babies, so I turned my head.  Through my tears, I heard Nick say, "Is that what I think it is?" and the tech said to wait just a moment and she would explain.  She asked me to look at the screen and I remember telling her that I couldn't do it.  She told me I needed to see this, so I looked and there was one baby, not living, and one baby with a beating heart.  She printed out that picture, with the little waves at the bottom that showed a heartbeat, and told me to take it back to my doctor.  I did, and he just said, "Well, sometimes things work out for the better." 

So, how do you grieve for a lost child, when you still have one in your womb, heart beating, growing and thriving?  The short answer, at least for me, is you don't.  You are happy and relieved and grateful and thankful. 

How, when that child is born, and despite complications, is alive and well and healthy, do you mourn for the baby that wasn't along side of her?  Again, for me, you don't.

We went on with life, and while I still felt like someone was missing, I just pushed that feeling aside and was happy with the gifts I was given.  Evy was a miracle, there is no doubt about that in my mind.  I clung to that and anything else fell by the wayside.

I didn't know that I had to grieve and mourn.  It wasn't something we talked much about.  When All Souls Day rolled around last year, we talked to the girls about it, and we had a chart where we put the names of lost loved ones.  A family member had experienced a miscarriage, and we put that name on the chart.  Questions were asked on whether we had ever experienced something like that, and that is when we told the girls about Ivy. 

During my recent journey, I had time to grieve and mourn.  I had more inside of me than I knew was even there, and it felt so good to let it out.  Ivy was memorialized, and I have a certificate of life with her name on it:  Ivy Hope.  We planned to tell the girls, but hadn't yet found a time.

Yesterday, part of Evy's school work was reading about the Lazarus story from the Bible.  We talked about how death is not death, but a change in life, and how, when we live as images of God, our souls are separated from our bodies, but our souls continue to live on in Heaven.  We talked about how people we have lost are in Heaven.  She started crying and out of her precious little mouth came the words "I miss my twin!" 

I decided it was as good a time as any to talk to the girls about the memorial. I showed Evy the little angel I was given in her sister's memory, and she held it and hugged it and cried, mourning her sister.  Everyone shed some tears, and we decided school was done for the day as we were all too emotional to carry on.  Hannah remarked that it was amazing that Evy felt such a connection to someone she had never known.  Sophia said, "But she did know her.  They were in Mommy's womb together."  How right she is. 

Ivy Hope has not breathed in a single breath on this earth, and I have never held her or kissed her, but she is very much alive, and I know she is looking down on us and watching over us and I know a day will come when we will be reunited with her.  I do believe that Ivy gave up her life so that her sister could live and grow and thrive, and I will always thank her for that sacrifice. 

When I miss facebook

I can actually say for the first time since I gave up facebook that there is a time I really wish I was on it.  Pinterest is coming in handy for coming up with ideas, but I miss my crafty tried and true friends on facebook today.

The reason?  A birthday party.  Miss E is turning six on Friday.  I cannot believe she has gotten this big already.  She's my "baby" and my last, and I just cannot believe that almost 6 whole years have flown by since she came into my life.

She hasn't had a birthday party ever.  We are "mean parents" and we just don't do a lot of parties.  There was a time in Texas, where all the neighbors in our little row were friends and all the kids were friends, and it seemed like every month there was a party.  I hadn't really been big into birthday parties before that time, other than family parties.  I think before we lived in TX, Hannah had only had 1 party and that was her first birthday, and only family was there.  In Texas, with all our friends, there were plenty of birthday parties and themes and the older three girls had parties.  Poor Evy came in on the back end of our time there, and I think she had one party there, for her first birthday.  All our neighbors in that row felt like family, so to us, it was a family party.

By the time we got to Georgia, I was partied out.  That and living in a new place and not knowing a lot of people, parties just weren't a big priority.  J did have a party here, but it was just neighbor kids that we invited.  I had invited whole families from our neighborhood, hoping it would be a good time for us parents to meet and have a good time, but only the kids ended up coming.

Even after we got to know people, parties just didn't happen.  Instead, deployment, injuries, surgeries, etc. happened.  With having a larger family (I say larger because 4 kids doesn't feel like a large family to me, but other people perceive our family to be large, so I say "larger"), parties also become expensive.  Shindigs 4 times a year add up to big bucks.

What we usually do to celebrate a birthday is an activity of the birthday kids choice (bowling, dinner/lunch out, etc) and the birthday girl gets to choose what dinner they want.  We do present opening and pictures with cake also, just a little family celebration.

Well, Evy really really wants a birthday party.  I told her that her friends may not be able to come.  She is totally fine with that and doesn't mind if it is just our family, but she really wants a tea party.  Already having 4 kids, we have enough people for a party on our own.  Her back up plan was a surprise party.

So I have been planning her surprise tea party birthday party on the sly.  I invited 4 little girls her age, and so far have gotten 3 yeses and a maybe.  I am planning activities and decorating and foods.  Not a problem, I can handle this.  But I do miss being able to post on facebook "hey, does anyone have any ideas for this?" and getting a ton of replies with ideas and recipes.  As I said before, pinterest has come in quite handy, as well as google, but I do miss my go to people for things like this.

Despite figuring it all out on my own, I do think it is going to be a wonderful party for her remember her special day by.

Half way there

I really did intend to blog every day, other than during my journey.  While the physical part is over, the rest is still going on and I haven't really had anything to write about.  This past week was just another week, and I have spent time doing things I enjoy, spending time with my family, and preparing for some busy weeks ahead.  It's also been pretty warm outside, mid-80's, and my A/C isn't currently working so it's been pretty hot and muggy in the house, which is great for laying on a sofa and doing a whole lot of nothing.

Anyway, I have past the half-way mark of the 40 days of Lent.  As for facebook, I honestly don't miss it at all.  I can say that with truth and certainty.  There are some people I am wondering about, hoping life is going well for them, wondering how they are doing and what is going on, but a majority of the people on my friends list, I can say I haven't wondered about.  I know that sounds mean, but I don't intend it to come across in an insulting way.  It is just the truth.  I am pretty sure those people haven't wondered about me either, which is fine with me.  That is what happens when you surround yourself with acquaintances.  It isn't good or bad, it just is.

I did a big purge before my break, and I am planning on doing a major purge when I come back.  I will also probably spend a lot less time on facebook.  I am thinking a once or twice a week check in, but only time will tell.  I am pretty sure I am not going to add the app back onto my phone.  My battery power is staying much higher without the constant notifications, despite the fact that I've been talking on the phone a lot more often.

Feelings of jealousy (yep, I said that out loud) are gone along with feelings of not being "good enough" and I'd like to keep it that way.  I am happy with being me, and I have friends that I see regularly and talk to regularly, and despite having "less" in my life, I am feeling much more enriched, fulfilled, and satisfied. 

Busy weeks are coming ahead full of appointments, phone calls that need to be made, house to prepare for guests, gifts to be bought, heads and hearts to ready, and instead of feeling the usual feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed, I am feeling rather serene.  I am not looking ahead and stressing, rather I am taking it one day at a time, and I know good things await me when I am done.

I will try to be better at updating, but I will do what I can do, and if I get to it great, if not, the world will certainly not end.

Let me tell you about my Saint

The Saint I have chosen to be my patron Saint (or maybe he chose me) is St. Francis of Assisi.  I will take the name Francis as my confirmation name. 

A lot of people who choose St. Francis choose him because of his love for animals.  I do have a love of animals, so that does fit for me, but that is not why I chose him.

Saint Francis grew up in a very wealthy family, and he lived a very lavish lifestyle.  Despite being surrounded by any material thing he could have ever wanted, he was not fulfilled.  He traded that lifestyle in for a life of poor, simple, peaceful living for God.

It is that peace, that simple peace, that I yearn for so much with all of my heart.  For probably the first time in my life, I feel that peace within me.  I feel beautiful, loved, and I feel at peace.  This is a peace unlike any I have ever felt. 

Saint Francis once preached to a flock of birds, because that is who was around to hear him.  That is me.  I no longer care who listens to me, if it is one, if it is many, or if it is only myself and a flock of birds. 

Every morning, I take my coffee out on the patio, and I listen to my bird-song of peace surround me, and my soul is at rest.  I will sing with the birds, and I will soar high, and I don't care who sees me.  I no longer worry about what others think of me, or if I fit in, or if I am "good enough."  I am at peace with myself, at peace with my soul.  I have always been a peacemaker for others.  Now, I am a peacemaker for me. 

Metamorphosis

I have been absent for a few days.  I will not say where I have been but I will say that I have been on a journey.

I will tell you that I am a butterfly, changed from recent metamorphosis, newly emerged from my cocoon.  My wings are still fragile, but they are getting stronger by the minute.  Soon they will be strong enough that I will be able to fly.

Re-booting

I have had so much catharsis these past few days.  So very much.  I feel like I am making strides I have been trying to make for years, and I am just now "getting" it.  It is like walking.  First you learn to sit up, then creep, then crawl, then you take steps holding on to things, then you work up to a few wobbly steps and then you have to take that chance and let go and do it on your own.  I feel like that perfectly explains the process.

I feel like I am sort of re-booting my life, my mind, and even my soul.  I am learning so much about myself, and for the first time in many years, I am perfectly happy and content with myself.  I know I sound like a broken record, but really, this is an amazing feeling.

I am working through guilt.  I have carried a tremendous burden of guilt for so many years.  I wear my guilt like a fine mink stole.  At first, I just wrapped myself up in it, not knowing anything else to do with it.  Then over the years it has become stifling, uncomfortable, and overwhelming.  Self-reflection is hard work.  It can be very taxing on the body, both physically and mentally.  But it is worth it. 

My guilt is now a scarf.  It is still there, but it is breathable, light-weight, and I can finally move with it and not have it hinder my ability to live and love and be happy.  I am working on unraveling it.  I know it will be a process, as so much of life is, but I am determined to keep on picking at the string until I am free of it.

Two Words

First Reconciliation.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and even though I was nervous about it, it went so well and I feel such a sense of peace. 

There is just something about hearing those words of absolution that lightens the heart and the spirit. 

That is all.

insert witty/meaningful title here

I really have nothing poignant to say today.  Really, just nothing to say at all. 

It was just a day.  I think after yesterday and the night prior, I am just spent, both physically from all the scrubbing, and mentally from all the stress of it.  I felt generally agitated and crabby all day, but that is to be expected.

I guess after yesterday's adventure, a regular old day seems pretty boring.  Something I have come to realize in my old(er) age: boring is a good thing.

I did talk to one of my best friends earlier and we talked through what happened yesterday, and a good sign is that I felt better when I was done.  Another good sign is that I could laugh about it. 

The home warranty people called to explain to me exactly why the plumbing issue was not covered, and while I disagree with the reasons, at least I now know what they are. 

But it was just a day.  Not good, not bad, just was. 

Tomorrow, well, tomorrow I will have something to write about. 

A bump in the road

This is the first time since I gave up facebook that it really hit the fan.  No pun intended, but you'll get it if you continue to read.

Today was really the first day I missed being able to reach out with a "help, this is what is happening, anyone know what to do about it" situation.  But I survived it, and I did reach out to and talk with 3 of my friends who all helped in the process of "talking me down."

After my post last night, I was still on my happy high, crocheting away, having fun, enjoying the ending to the day.  Then a kid took a bath.  Then one of the girls told me there was water all over their bathroom floor.  Then we realized it wasn't from the tub, it was coming out from under the toilet.  Then we flushed the toilet to check and more water poured out.  As the hubby plunged (after I grilled the girls on if anything was flushed down the toilet and on toilet paper usage) even more water came out.  It was coming from the bottom of the toilet where it meets the floor.  This was especially frustrating because it was around a year ago or so that friends came down and helped us rip out the flooring, replace the flange, set a new wax seal, fix the sink, re-do the flooring, etc.  We pretty much ripped everything out and fixed/replaced.

Then when someone went to use our bathroom (2 toilet house) it was discovered that water was coming out from under our toilet too.  Then it started backing up into the bath tubs also.  Of course this happened Sunday night when no one is available. 

Long story short and without giving out the sordid details, we survived the night, the morning came, along with a plumber, and a few hundred dollars later, we now have 2 working toilets again.

I am a girl who prefers natural cleaners.  Not for this job.  I went to the store and came home with a pair of heavy duty rubber gloves, a bottle of heavy duty cleaner that kills 99.9% of nasties, heavy duty laundry detergent (to clean every single towel in our house that was used to soak up the water), and a bottle of wine.

Now that the towels are laundered, the bathrooms are disinfected and sanitized, and I am disinfected and sanitized, I think it's time to open up that bottle of wine.

But, we survived.  Nothing went in an ideal way.  It was horrible.  It was taxing both physically and financially, but we survived.  I realize this is just a bump in the road, and we have gotten over it.  I know we will have more, especially as we continue on this journey, but I also know we are not alone and that we will get through.

Chain and chat

Today turned out to be an awesome day.  Of course we went to Mass this morning, which is always a good pick me up.  I love going to Mass.  It leaves me with such a peace in my soul, and it really recharges my batteries for the week ahead.  My hubby loves Mass, and the girls love Mass and we all look forward to going each week. Even though it is the day us girls have to get up the earliest, everyone wakes up willingly and with no complaining.  We were going on Wednesday nights as well before our class, however the use of incense during Holy Hour really aggravates asthma girl, so we avoid that day of the week.

I had talked to some women last month regarding a get together for a crochet group and I expressed interest in going.  I forgot to ask about it the day it was to start, or I was busy or something (I do not really remember a month ago) and I didn't end up going.  I thought it was a monthly thing, but wasn't sure.  With so much going on lately, it didn't occur to me to ask someone.

After Mass today, I went into the book store/gift shop to get a gift for someone, and the woman running the shop is the one heading up the crochet group.  I was mentioning that I needed some more coffee, and she mentioned first where to get coffee (God bless the guy who makes coffee every week!) and then that the group was meeting at 2:30.  I told her I was pretty tired and run down, but I might make it.  Honestly, after yesterdays bit of anxiety, I was leery about going out alone again, and also, we usually spend Sunday together as a family.

I mentioned it to the hubster, and he said I should definitely go.  I tend to find excuses not to go to things.  Truthfully, when I am not typing behind a computer screen, I am shy.  I am a social introvert for sure, and new people and situations make me nervous.  I love to crochet.  It sometimes makes me feel like an old lady (complete with my arthritis at the ripe old age of 37), but I love it.  I am also not good at it.  I am good at some things, but I am pretty much self taught after a lesson with a family member, and I am just now (after years and years) learning to read a pattern, and sometimes I don't understand what a pattern is saying to do, and I make it up as I go along.  I feared that my skills weren't up there with the other ladies, and I didn't want to be an annoyance or cause someone to spend the entire time teaching me.

I thought some and realized that hubby was right.  I should go.  I need to get involved, and to hang out with other women who are mentors to me on this faith journey, and with others who are of a like mind.  While picking up the girls from their classes, I asked another lady what we were required to bring.  She said just yarn and a hook, see you at 2:30.  So it was decided.

At a quarter after 2, I nervously packed up a couple of skeins of yarn and my pack of various sized crochet hooks and headed out the door.  I told the family I would probably be no longer than an hour.  I didn't imagine I'd be gone that long, seeing as how I had already decided I'd probably either be a big flop or I'd crash and burn socially after that long.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was welcomed right in, and even when I informed them that I was self taught and at beginner level, only having made blankets, hats and scarves, I was told I wasn't the only one, and that if I made a hat, I was surely better than I thought.  I looked at the sample the leader had brought in and thought, "whoa, I am waaaaaay out of my league here!"  Then I looked at the pattern, which appeared to be written in a foreign language, and felt certain I would end up sitting there without a clue.

We started together, row by row, and when we got to a part that someone didn't understand (I wasn't the only one!!) we talked over it longer, and when necessary, the leader came around and showed us how.  The longer we crocheted, the more comfortable I got.  The more comfortable I got, the chattier I became.  We all sat there, women of all different ages and backgrounds, with the common bond of being Catholic (or almost in my case) and love of yarn crafting.  We talked about crafts, about what things were like when we were growing up, our families, our interests, little things about us (like I am a lefty, technically, but I crochet with my right hand) and just about all kinds of things.  We drank coffee, there were snacks, but mostly we just sat there and enjoyed our time.

Before I left, hubby and I had planned on eating our Sunday dinner around 4:30 or so.  You know, because I wasn't going to be gone that long.  (Sunday crock pot dinner for the win!  Throw it all in before Mass and come home to a dinner that's already made!)  I decided to look at my watch, being sure only an hour had passed.  I was shocked when I discovered that it had been over 2 hours.  Even though I wasn't done with my square (I believe the end goal of these weekly projects is to make various types of squares and then put them together into an afghan), I was well on my way and had gotten the approval that my work indeed looked the way it should.  I did decide to go ahead and leave, since I knew I was being waited on for dinner at home. 

The ladies thanked me for coming and I thanked them as well for asking me and told them that I was thankful I came, because I am shy and I was worried I wouldn't be good enough.  They said that I did very very well (look at those nice perfect stitches!) and that they were glad I decided to come and they look forward to having me every week.  I walked out of there feeling like a new woman.  It has been a long while since I felt like I "belong" anywhere, and I felt so much like a part of things, and I felt like I had a place where being me was just fine.  I was glowing, and happy and so content with myself.  I am thankful that I pushed myself, and most thankful that God gave me the opportunity to meet these wonderful ladies and welcome me into their group.

And then I stopped at McDonald's for a sweet tea on the way home, where I got hit on by a much younger guy.  Yep, my 37 year old gray-haired arthritic self got hit on.  As silly as it sounds, I smiled as I walked away with my tea. 

What a perfect day!

Just a rainy Saturday

Sometimes I think God gives us rainy Saturdays just so we can have a day to stay in and relax and cuddle up with a book or a movie.  Except today was not our typical rainy Saturday.

The hubby had to go in to work today.  He is "The Voice of the Marne" which translates into he is the narrator for a crap ton of various ceremonies.  Typically they take place during the week and work hours, but today was the odd weekend one.  He enjoys doing it, though, and this one was fun because it involved some kids sports teams getting recognized. 

We had planned on going to the commissary after he got home, but then we quickly realized it was a military payday weekend, and that means that the commissary was going to be packed.  And walmart, and probably Kroger too.  We had discussed actually driving to a different town just to have a change of scenery and hopefully to avoid the throngs of people shopping in our small town.  But then the rain hit.

I had this brilliant idea that I'd just go to Sav-a-lot and pick up the things we needed to get through the week.  It's a great way to save money on groceries, and while the choices are limited, they usually have what we need and we can make do with substitutions when we need to.  I donned my jacket that doubles as a rain coat and set out by myself.  I figured it was silly for more than one person to get wet, so I went alone, which is a rarity.

I tend to go out with the girls in tow, or on occasion, just Nick and I.  I didn't realize how accustomed I have become to not doing things alone.  I know some people relish their alone time and love shopping without the family, and going out and doing things to have their own space.  And everyone always tells me, "It's good to have some time alone" and "every mom needs some alone time" but to be honest, I actually prefer to have company.  Lately, my "alone time" has come in the form of saying my rosary, or reading a book.  I don't feel the need to get out and away from everyone in my house.  Some people tell me that is not healthy, and I don't have an answer to that.  If I feel content, is it still unhealthy?

Of course I have the times where I just want some peace and quiet, and maybe it is unhealthy that I don't know what to do with myself when I am alone, but I don't think it's that I've become dependent on my family, or that I am afraid to be alone with my own thoughts.  I had times like those in the past, but I don't feel that way now.  I think instead, I have just become content with my life the way it is, and I don't see a need to change that.

In any case, I actually found myself dreading the shopping.  It wasn't the weather.  I am a weirdo who loves the rain, and driving in it (as long as I can still see out of my windshield) is oddly comforting and relaxing.  I hate shopping around here and maybe it's just that it's been so long since I've been shopping alone.  I am also not one who finds comfort in shopping.  I thought of going to the dollar store, but it wasn't right by the area I was heading, so I ditched that idea.  Then I thought of walking around Big Lots so I could take a breather and try to get more comfortable alone, but I quickly decided to just stick to my original plan.

It was pretty empty in the store, just a few other shoppers, and it didn't take me long to get what I needed.  By the time I checked out, it was pouring even harder and I got thoroughly soaked on the way out to the car.  By the time I got home, I was drenched, and when the hubs came out of the door to help bring in groceries, I told him to just stay there and I'd bring the bags to the front steps.  I walked in trailing water everywhere and my jeans were wet up to my knees. 

I don't know why it was uncomfortable for me to shop alone, or if that's a bad sign, or anxiety rearing its head, not really sure, and while it was slightly annoying, I am not going to over-analyze it and instead I was just happy to get into some warm dry clothes and go back to my book.

Let them eat cake!

Well, cupcakes, anyway.  The highlight of the day was making cupcakes.  Tonight we went to our first ever Lenten fish fry (as a family, I went to some back in Buffalo when the oldest was in utero).  Our church holds a fish fry every Friday during the Lenten season.  It is so different converting to Catholicism in the south, at least in this area where it seems that being Catholic is quite unusual.  I have lived in many cities where there are several Catholic churches.  The last time I went a fish fry, the big deal was to find out which church/meeting place had the best one.  The VFW was by far the best.  Here, we only have on Catholic Church in our town.  We pass many other churches on the way from our house to our parish, but none are Catholic.  I did see a sign for Checkers Fish Bites Box on a billboard, but I haven't seen many other food items put out especially for those observing Lent. 

Our parish isn't very large, at least it seems like the volunteers that put on things like the fish fry are the ones that organize most things.  So going to a function, I am sure to see the same people, and it always makes me smile inside and I relish this feeling of belonging to a community.  It is nice to walk in and see the girls catechism teachers, or women from the CCW.  I am getting to know them, and they are getting to know me and I believe it won't be long before I am recruited in. 

Anyway, back to cake.  The women's group sent an email letting us know that it would be greatly appreciated to bring in cupcakes for the fish fry.  The dinner includes fish, fries, coleslaw, bread, and grits (I think this is a southern thing as well.  We eat them for breakfast frequently, but haven't had them with something like fish before).   Also a drink and dessert are included in the price.  We missed the fish fry last week, but I thought since we were planning on going tonight, we'd bring some cupcakes.

Hannah and Sophia are my little bakers, so they baked the cupcakes and I decorated them.  I bought a new icing bag and tips just for this, and then I ended up printing off some little toppers to go on as well.  The girls assembled the toppers and watched with delight while I piped on tons of icing.  We put them in the carrier and couldn't wait to take them.

It is funny how something small as contributing cupcakes brings such appreciation, and how good it made us feel to be able to contribute.  Again, it's that sense of community that we are feeling, and it feels good. 

So now I believe we will be making cupcakes every week to bring along.  I am a big dork and I spent some time this evening coming up with different decorating ideas and things I can make to put on top.  I can't wait until the next time so we can bring some more. I think it will be a great service project for the girls and I to participate in together.  I plan on getting the younger two involved next time. 

Oh, and the fish fry was out of this world.  Everyones plates were empty and we walked away with full bellies and hearts. 

Nothing to see here

Nothing new going on today.  I have pretty much decided to scrap the rest of the week as far as my to-do list goes and instead relish in my new found ability to relax.  I've read more books this past week than I have in quite some time.  I love it.  My daily list is no longer weighing me down like a ball and chain, rather it has become fluid and non-concrete.  Oddly, I am quite alright with that.

We had a thought provoking class last night and I got pretty vocal (I usually pipe up once or twice, but remain quiet for most of it usually).  It was a subject that I am passionate about and it felt good to be vocal and not care if anyone else shared my same sentiment.  Again, I am oddly okay with that also.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me.  Something has been laid upon my heart and there are so many different directions it could lead me, but for now, it is something that is just in the prayer process.  I need to figure out what I am to do with this subject of the heart, and I am content knowing that right now is not a time of action, and I am also content knowing that there may never be a time of action regarding this.  The only thing I can do now is pray on it.  So that is what I am doing.  If you feel led, please pray as well.  (I believe that we don't necessarily have to know exactly what the situation is that is being prayed about, as God already knows, but extra prayer can only help.)